a letter for my dearest Mama

Dearest Mama Didith,

It has been a long year without you... For all those days inside that entire year, there was never a day that I didn't think of you. I think missing you has become a habit now and I think it's just one of those things I have to live with in perpetuity. It's not at all times painful though. Sometimes it was even hilarious. Because when I think of you, I think of the good times to make up with the hurt. And it was easy to recall happy times because aside from being perfectionist, being funny is your second nature, too. I could recall Nang Medie, telling me that she always look forward listening to your speech during PTA meetings because you always make people laugh which made me remember those times at home, I could hear your voice from the school with your usual opening "God is Good" and the students reply "All the Time!" and you would say something and the students would roar in laughter. It was amazing how you could handle a great crowd, how you say the right things to say at the right time. You are gifted with that and there are but very few of you in this world, and those kind of thoughts make me smile.

And remember that time when I was asked by Papa to get the bread he bought he placed at the U box? And I couldn't open it because I thought the keyhole is at the back (just like cars) and you were laughing so hard because I am already 29 and I can't open that U box. I still laugh at the thought because I can hear your laughter resounding on my brain. I laughed until my eyes well up with tears. Because it's one of those moments I could never get back.

Sometimes, well, most of the time, I wished there is something I could do, something I could trade to have one single moment with you. I know that's what everyone of us feels. It was hard getting by... you know, the first morning without you was the most horrible feeling I ever felt... and you know what makes it harder? Because you are the only one who knew how to ease that horrible feeling. The emptiness that was too vast was consuming me, I felt the whole universe was inside my heart and I could not contain it. 

I miss your voice... I miss being called "Day..." or "Yeth..." I miss the sound of your laugh. I miss that look in your face whenever we surprise you when we come home. I miss that feeling of 5PM, because I knew anytime soon you will arrive and we will have sikwate (hot chocolate) while we watch Annaliza or Mirabella. I miss just seeing you sitting on the sofa, texting until your cellphone gets tired, doing your nails, trying every nail polish there is until you get satisfied with how it looks in your hands. I miss the routines, of getting you to bed to apply that charcoal patch and massage your legs with efficascent oil and have you drink Anlene. I miss those late nights I've spent hours writing and you come and take a peek at my room after waking up because you had to go to the bathroom. You would say that I should get some sleep and I just answer you with a smile because I had to get those writings done. I guess you have developed a habit of checking on us and that is one of those things I missed so much about you. 

Whenever I feel sick, I seek for your presence. I guess I could never outgrow that safe feeling when you are around. I may not have thanked you for this, but I am grateful for all those sleepless nights you've had because I was sick. I remember feeling hot and delirious and I feel your hand on my head and that sour smell of of that cotton dipped in vinegar on top of my head. And the next day, I was well. We always ask for your prescription because we believe you could cure us and well, you always knew you could cure us because you knew us that well. Your edge in all the doctors in the world is that you knew our medical history like the back of your hand.

I wish you are here, Ma... There are a lot of things I wanted to tell you. There are a lot of things I wanted to hear your thoughts about. It is easy for me to feel regretful for the times we've lost because we had too many dreams we are yet to fulfill. I have countless if-onlys and a thousand more must-have-beens. And you knew it would tear me apart to reveal them one by one. Back then, 'excruciating' is just a word for me. I never thought I would eventually feel what that word exactly mean when attached to the word pain.

There were times I see you in my dreams and I woke up crying because reality started to sink in the moment I open my eyes. There were times I see myself crying right beside your bed, hugging you tight, begging you to fight... I sat there for a long time... very long time. I even felt I am wasting away. Like the leaves outside that I didn't care to sweep that has gone rotten by time, I felt rotting away too.

But I guess, love is always stronger than anything else in the world. I tried to endure the pain and fought back for my sanity because I didn't just see my own struggles as the day went by. I hear Papa's pain in his silence, I see Ate Geegile's desperation in maintaining a positive outlook, I sense Ayen's turmoil in her daily routine, I hear Eboy's longing when he cries in his sleep, I see longing in Mama Josie's eyes... and I knew for a fact that you wouldn't want us to live that way. You who have given up so much deserves more than our distress... So I promised myself to get better each day. I guess that's what we all are trying to be... to make you proud watching from a distance. There are still times that we feel lost... I guess it is all part of the healing process. And I knew we are stronger now and we will continue to live for you.

Today, I just want you to know that we love you... so much... more than words could ever say. And we miss you terribly that it hurts as we breathe... But I have come to a better understanding about life and death and today is a happy day for you are now in heaven.

Ma, down here on earth you were a superwoman; up there, you are our angel, our shield, our guiding light... we thank you for the countless times you've made us feel that you are near. We love you, Mama Didith!