for my dearest Mama

Last year, on the seventh of July, I wrote this on my journal:

I slept without finishing what I was supposed to write. But yesterday was a comforting day. I used to go and drop by the Basilica del Sto. Nino whenever I go to Colonnade to buy stuffs for Mama. I'd light a candle, say a quick prayer and leave. But that Sunday, I didn't. I also went to Fooda to buy rice and I could've dropped by the Redemptorist church but I didn't. Because I feel guilty that I could and my younger sister couldn't. Someone has to be with Mama and it had to be her because she doesn't know the city that well. So, it's just not possible for her to go to church even on Sundays. I silently prayed that somehow we could go to church together. 
Know what happened? Papa arrived! :) It was a surprise. So Ayen and I went to Redemptorist church and the reading was "Cast all your burdens upon me and I will give you rest." 
We prayed for Mama's healing. It was comforting. Life isn't easy. It is somehow going beyond difficult but we get by... One day at a time. God has always provided for us. He always gives us people we could lean on to when things get tough. I know that I have trust issues with Him but I know I can gain it back.
All will be well...

A year ago still felt like yesterday. It is hard going back to those things that hurt, the memories which haunts you at your waking hours and even in your sleep. And yet I felt like I had to go back to be able to let this feelings go... and be healed, in time...

Dearest Mama Didith, I know you are reading this... I want you to know that I love you and there was never a day that I didn't miss you. I will always cherish the days we were together, no matter how difficult it had been, it was okay because we had each other. I have embraced the fact that joy does not come from pure happiness, sometimes it can come from sacrifices and pain... I miss you so much Ma... and I am praying that my love could reach the heavens. I know that you are happy and at peace now and that's the very consolation I am holding on to to get through all the pains of missing you. Thank you for everything, Ma... I love you so much, I hope you could still feel that love.