giving in

When life presses you down, why is it always so tempting to give up? 


I felt like a cloth wringed at a laundrywoman's maximum strength. I felt like a lemon squeezed by an efficient juicer. I felt like a garlic being pressed in a garlic press. I felt twisted, distorted, wriggled, and contorted in a very very painful way. I felt that life was sucked out of me at this very moment. I just wanna stop. Just stop. Because moving on hurts so much. What more can a withered tree give?

Life's challenges had gone too far. I just wanna stop for awhile. Just a minute to breathe. A minute... I just want to gain strength before I pick myself up and go along the way. I honestly would want to rest for a long long while but I know I cannot. I know it's selfishness therefore I just had to rest for a minute.

I need to look back... I need to recall that certain reason that put me where I am now doing the things I do. I need it to fill in the emptiness that is tearing my heart out.

I thought I've had my worst. Everytime I feel pain beyond imaginable pain, I thought I've had my worst. I thought I was stronger. I thought I was wiser that I could get through life well. That anything that would come would be easier. I've had plans, I should be better at everything. I thought I am well-prepared. But I was wrong. There will always be pain greater than any pain that gets through my what I so believed invincible skin and cuts my heart into pieces.

I gave up... I gave up... I gave up... I wanted to shout that out. I wanna scream to release the pain because no amount of weeping could make me feel better. I just wanna give up. I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm so so so tired. I just want to stop.

Have He not seen me weep? Have He not weighed how heavy my heart had become? Have He not seen my tears? Have He not heard me calling? Have He... forsaken me?

My heart is beyond repair. It's badly bruised. As well as my soul. It's trapped within me. Suffocated by my lonely self.

I wish I could do more. I wish I could still stretch forth my hand. I wish I could... I wish I'm not that tired at all. I wish I am not that hurt at all...

Everything is getting heavier by the minute. And I know just what I need at this moment. Understanding. I need a listening heart. Someone who could take my words no matter how worst it is and make me look at the brighter side of life. Someone who could see the things I am afraid of, someone who would agree that I have a point, someone who would understand even when it is too difficult to understand. Someone who could hug me that I may gain strength and slap me for these terrible thoughts I have in mind.

I am distressed... afflicted. I'm torn and I'm wounded. I bled out. But I'm not giving up. I should not. It's not an option I get to choose. I just needed a little comfort. I need to see a little spark of light when I'm walking at the darkest hours of nights. I need to remember the things that I have long forgotten--the things that made me strong. Those that make my life worth living. I just wanted to let out my emotions. I just wanted to cry, to be eaten by frustrations... I just wanted to remember this fall... I want to remember how great have I fallen so I could taste the victory upon standing... So, I'm giving in. It is difficult, I know. But who ever said it's gonna be easy? I don't know what lies ahead but there are ways my mind could not ever perceive. I need to understand everything by heart. I need to accept that through life pains we are molded to become better persons. I need a full understanding of the thorns that comes with that beautiful rose.

I'm giving in... to God's plans. My heart and my soul are wounded... that is why I'm giving in to the Hands that healed all people's illness and afflictions. And though a dark cloud is upon me, raining, I'll never cease to dream about rainbows. I will not cease to hope for all the wonderful things He had set aside for me, for us... so I could go on. If I am weakened, I'm letting Him be my strength. And I should never ever never ever never ever never ever forget the reason why I am doing this and why I should never get tired of doing this--LOVE. I'm doing this for  love.

I'm doing this for love.