the unsent letter
It's Eboy's 23rd birthday... And just like the previous occasions, I wished I was home. Badly... But some things just have to be the way they are. I may be less happy but still, happy. I have so many wishes for him. And I know that God has so much in store for him. I just wish all the best for him. I was planning to write something but I received a message from our eldest sister and I withdrew my plan because her message contained all I have to write. It was a letter she wrote last year. A little outdated but the feelings, are all the same... And I feel like I ought to share this. :)
25sept2009
I don't know what feeling crept into me as I woke up this morning…and it came into me – today is the 25th of September. It's his birthday. His second birthday that I'm too far away not to be there.
I want to make this day special for him…and I ran out of ideas. How could you make a birthday special if you're miles away?
And as I was thinking of an extraordinary way of greeting him, memories drifted of how we evolved: him as my younger brother and me as an Ate.
Francis a.k.a eboy and I'd rather add up his own coined nickname: rafnics. 22 years ago, I could just imagine how our parents got so happy having him as the third baby. Finally, they got a baby boy. That's the history of his name Eboy (from a boy). Mama kept saying that he was a very cute baby, mora daw ug arabo (hmmm…). I wonder what happened now..hehe…
From our childhood pictures I could say he was really cute. He usually poses like a girl and he was like a growing up girl in the making. Once, he was chosen as a ring bearer and suddenly he cried much because he wanted to be a flower girl like us. He had that picture nga nakatungtong sa speaker, with mouth wide open and pigtailed curly hair, and I don’t know if he really felt he was a girl that moment. Maybe he thought he was like us. Maybe he did not know he was a male.
Other than the looks, we grew up like cats and dogs. I could never understand him. He was always stubborn, selfish, and easily angered. I think the day would cry if there were no petty quarrels between us. Usually it's ayeth and me against him. He's usually alone. I thought he loved that.
Sometimes, he would join our playing session (cooking muds, selling it and paid by leaves of madre cacao, hehe). The start would always be nice and happy but ends up with ayeth and me shouting "bayot" and him shouting "negra" and "baboy" (hehehe...grabe mag-awayanay) He doesn't like any of us going to his room or just passing by there makes him pissed off. He's too hot tempered for everything.
There's always anger in my heart whenever I get scolded for being accused as the one who started the quarrel. And what more could an Ate get but this: "You should be the one to give in because you're the eldest!". I could not get much of it and I just leave it off. I was helplessly angered everytime he raises his accusations. I was always thinking he's an evil.
Maybe it's just because he's different. Maybe he's going through something I don't know and I was still too young to take time to understand that. Maybe it's more than us playing dolls and him playing trucks and toy guns. Until our youngest sibling, Ayen, was born. He was angry at Mama why she delivered a girl. He wanted a boy. Though then she was a girl, he was constantly her playmate. He taught her how to play trucks and toy guns and even had that influence of being boyish (jolen,lastiko,textcards,trak2). Hmmm…
Okey, that was when we were too young. I think that's normal enough. All petty and childish. He's not at all evil because I know I love him by heart. Whenever he gets scolded; for projects not made (ang popular H.E. project nga pagbuburda nga gitago diay sa ilawm sa katre), for starting a quarrel at class (kinsay makalimot sa Bruno vs eboy pag grade 5???) , for being so madabog and bagotboton kung sugoon sa tindahan, my heart always prays he would be fine – that he would not get through that leatherbelt again.
Then he became a high school student. I did not know how he felt that time. I can't tell him some things coz we're different. He's a boy and there are just things I could not understand with him. He's just too complicated for me to read. His mood was as usual. Sometimes he is too good and suddenly he turns into a monster. I think it's obvious that I don't like his attitude. He's always kontrabida and I could not understand why.
Until that unforgettable date for the whole family. It was an accident that made his life at the brink of losing it. A motor vehicular accident that caused that big scar on his head. It was January 5, 2003. He was in third year high school. That was the moment I never imagined would happen.
It was a very big test for the whole family. Papa was just too worried for his boy. He sort of blamed himself for giving the motorcycle key. He said he thought he'd only see that moment him pushing the stretcher with all the blood in them. Ayen was left at Mama josie's not eating and always telling she wanted to go to see him. Guess he was that significant. And yes, he is. When he had to stay in Cebu until full recovery, letters from his classmates were at our house, hoping he's fine. It's his second life and we thanked God much and forever I will be thankful.
Suddenly after that, I noticed his change as the whole family is saying. Aside from being bald with that C-scar on his head, he became different. Different in a positive way. He became calm, nice and there was innate goodness. I don't know what happened but after that incident, he started acting like a son and like a brother. Maybe I just felt it because I was looking forward seeing him if he is fine. And I saw him not as a stubborn boy anymore but a brother who needs us.
I then realized I loved him much. Much more than words can say and more than what I can show. Since then, he was not just a boy next to our room but a younger brother and a Kuya to our youngest. He became Papa's best buddy and Mama's assistant. He became an active church youth leader. He had more friends and somewhat started to be a person that he is now.
I started looking for ways to get closer to him and know him more…he goes to our room and we talk and play. One time, I went to his room, I found a letter and I knew he was growing up.
Today, he's 22 years old. Guess our 2 years gap starts overlapping now. I am just too happy I have them. I am their Ate but at times I need somebody to lean on, Ayeth and Eboy have the most mature idea than I do.
So today, because I haven't had much of creativity to make his day happy, I think my greetings from the heart would be better. I know I can't tell him all of these in person so here it goes:
Boy, thank you so much for everything. I just want to tell you you've done great. For the past 2 years that Ate ayeth and me are not there, you stood up as the big brother for Ayen and the eldest papa and mama needs. I've heard stories from mama and it just made me more proud. You did it.
Sorry for my shortcomings as an eldest. There have been too many wishes in my heart, too any dreams for you and the whole family…but still has not become a reality. It pains me much knowing I cant be there personally whenever you needed an Ate. I know how it feels to have that pressure on the shoulder. You're not told to do so but you feel just doing and thinking of everything because it is our family that is involved. I know you'd fight everything for our family. Tuloy sa pakikibaka sa buhay.
Thank you for being so strong for the family. Maybe there have been storms while we were away but you handled it all well. Thank you boy. I hope you will not cease doing great.
Im too proud to say I have a brother like you. I love you so much and I cant wait to see you on that date. I love you and take care of yourself.
Ate geegile
25sept2009
I don't know what feeling crept into me as I woke up this morning…and it came into me – today is the 25th of September. It's his birthday. His second birthday that I'm too far away not to be there.
I want to make this day special for him…and I ran out of ideas. How could you make a birthday special if you're miles away?
And as I was thinking of an extraordinary way of greeting him, memories drifted of how we evolved: him as my younger brother and me as an Ate.
Francis a.k.a eboy and I'd rather add up his own coined nickname: rafnics. 22 years ago, I could just imagine how our parents got so happy having him as the third baby. Finally, they got a baby boy. That's the history of his name Eboy (from a boy). Mama kept saying that he was a very cute baby, mora daw ug arabo (hmmm…). I wonder what happened now..hehe…
From our childhood pictures I could say he was really cute. He usually poses like a girl and he was like a growing up girl in the making. Once, he was chosen as a ring bearer and suddenly he cried much because he wanted to be a flower girl like us. He had that picture nga nakatungtong sa speaker, with mouth wide open and pigtailed curly hair, and I don’t know if he really felt he was a girl that moment. Maybe he thought he was like us. Maybe he did not know he was a male.
Other than the looks, we grew up like cats and dogs. I could never understand him. He was always stubborn, selfish, and easily angered. I think the day would cry if there were no petty quarrels between us. Usually it's ayeth and me against him. He's usually alone. I thought he loved that.
Sometimes, he would join our playing session (cooking muds, selling it and paid by leaves of madre cacao, hehe). The start would always be nice and happy but ends up with ayeth and me shouting "bayot" and him shouting "negra" and "baboy" (hehehe...grabe mag-awayanay) He doesn't like any of us going to his room or just passing by there makes him pissed off. He's too hot tempered for everything.
There's always anger in my heart whenever I get scolded for being accused as the one who started the quarrel. And what more could an Ate get but this: "You should be the one to give in because you're the eldest!". I could not get much of it and I just leave it off. I was helplessly angered everytime he raises his accusations. I was always thinking he's an evil.
Maybe it's just because he's different. Maybe he's going through something I don't know and I was still too young to take time to understand that. Maybe it's more than us playing dolls and him playing trucks and toy guns. Until our youngest sibling, Ayen, was born. He was angry at Mama why she delivered a girl. He wanted a boy. Though then she was a girl, he was constantly her playmate. He taught her how to play trucks and toy guns and even had that influence of being boyish (jolen,lastiko,textcards,trak2). Hmmm…
Okey, that was when we were too young. I think that's normal enough. All petty and childish. He's not at all evil because I know I love him by heart. Whenever he gets scolded; for projects not made (ang popular H.E. project nga pagbuburda nga gitago diay sa ilawm sa katre), for starting a quarrel at class (kinsay makalimot sa Bruno vs eboy pag grade 5???) , for being so madabog and bagotboton kung sugoon sa tindahan, my heart always prays he would be fine – that he would not get through that leatherbelt again.
Then he became a high school student. I did not know how he felt that time. I can't tell him some things coz we're different. He's a boy and there are just things I could not understand with him. He's just too complicated for me to read. His mood was as usual. Sometimes he is too good and suddenly he turns into a monster. I think it's obvious that I don't like his attitude. He's always kontrabida and I could not understand why.
Until that unforgettable date for the whole family. It was an accident that made his life at the brink of losing it. A motor vehicular accident that caused that big scar on his head. It was January 5, 2003. He was in third year high school. That was the moment I never imagined would happen.
It was a very big test for the whole family. Papa was just too worried for his boy. He sort of blamed himself for giving the motorcycle key. He said he thought he'd only see that moment him pushing the stretcher with all the blood in them. Ayen was left at Mama josie's not eating and always telling she wanted to go to see him. Guess he was that significant. And yes, he is. When he had to stay in Cebu until full recovery, letters from his classmates were at our house, hoping he's fine. It's his second life and we thanked God much and forever I will be thankful.
Suddenly after that, I noticed his change as the whole family is saying. Aside from being bald with that C-scar on his head, he became different. Different in a positive way. He became calm, nice and there was innate goodness. I don't know what happened but after that incident, he started acting like a son and like a brother. Maybe I just felt it because I was looking forward seeing him if he is fine. And I saw him not as a stubborn boy anymore but a brother who needs us.
I then realized I loved him much. Much more than words can say and more than what I can show. Since then, he was not just a boy next to our room but a younger brother and a Kuya to our youngest. He became Papa's best buddy and Mama's assistant. He became an active church youth leader. He had more friends and somewhat started to be a person that he is now.
I started looking for ways to get closer to him and know him more…he goes to our room and we talk and play. One time, I went to his room, I found a letter and I knew he was growing up.
Today, he's 22 years old. Guess our 2 years gap starts overlapping now. I am just too happy I have them. I am their Ate but at times I need somebody to lean on, Ayeth and Eboy have the most mature idea than I do.
So today, because I haven't had much of creativity to make his day happy, I think my greetings from the heart would be better. I know I can't tell him all of these in person so here it goes:
Boy, thank you so much for everything. I just want to tell you you've done great. For the past 2 years that Ate ayeth and me are not there, you stood up as the big brother for Ayen and the eldest papa and mama needs. I've heard stories from mama and it just made me more proud. You did it.
Sorry for my shortcomings as an eldest. There have been too many wishes in my heart, too any dreams for you and the whole family…but still has not become a reality. It pains me much knowing I cant be there personally whenever you needed an Ate. I know how it feels to have that pressure on the shoulder. You're not told to do so but you feel just doing and thinking of everything because it is our family that is involved. I know you'd fight everything for our family. Tuloy sa pakikibaka sa buhay.
Thank you for being so strong for the family. Maybe there have been storms while we were away but you handled it all well. Thank you boy. I hope you will not cease doing great.
Im too proud to say I have a brother like you. I love you so much and I cant wait to see you on that date. I love you and take care of yourself.
Ate geegile
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