with a smile
It's been a while since I got contact with myself... I mean, I've been feeling high (like nirvana) everytime I get in touch with my soul. And I know that I will be able to get through everything if I lose myself in it.
I've put my life in Him and I'm giving everything to Him. I will obey His will and be grateful for every favor He gives. The past month was full of blessings and I felt loved by Him. And I am truly grateful for everything that is happening in my life. I am certain that no amount of anything can change the way I see Him as my God. I love Him and I will praise Him until the breathe He gave departs from me.
These past few days have been, shall I say, critical. I felt like I've been tested with my weakness. And I don't know if I handled it well. And with all these things happening, I realized, I'm still human. I get hurt. That's the most amazing part. I am hurting still.
This 3rd of July will be my 3rd year anniversary being apart from home. And I'm like *whew*. When I first made my decision I thought I wouldn't survive being away for a day... and I made it through 1096 days! I made it through all the best and all the worst. And I am coming home soon! I am so excited about it. I haven't had any listed plans because all I ever want is to be with my family whom I missed for so long... And then, just yesterday, I was told by my sister that she can't meet me at the airport because she had something important to do regarding her new work. And I was like, okay. I'm a little sad but it's okay. We can still see each other. And then, maybe Mama also won't be able to meet me. And I was like, okay. It's no problem. I even wanted to just surprise them at home. And then my sister said that she might not be home for most of the days that I'm home. And I was like, of course, not okay. :( My heart closed up for a while and I deeply thought why I am hurting so much. All I ever wanted and all I ever wished is for our family to be complete again and seeing her out of the picture for a second is actually, a stinging pain that shot through my heart and made my tears to well up. I cried because I could not help it. My heart was too heavy I find it difficult to do anything but just cry. I can't even breathe through my nose because it's kind of painful.
A part of me paused, telling me something is definitely wrong. I thought that having Him in my life will make me invincible. I was deeply convinced about that. But then, I am hurting right now... and I'm in tears again just like before.
And just like the human I have been, I knelt down and pray to trust His ways even more. I've come to recognize that I am really in pain. And that the pain is too great for my heart to contain. But I'm trusting Him even more because I knew He would never give me something I couldn't handle. Now that I'm beginning to feel the heaviness of the cross I have to carry, I will weep for a while because it hurts. But I will carry it with a smile as I walk through life because this indicates one thing --- He trusts me. And He is preparing me to be worthy of Him...
So whatever happens... when my plans and expectation don't turn out as perfect as I thought them to be, I'll just have to do whatever that I can to make each moment count. If He allows a day for all of us to be together, then let it be a day. I will give thanks for it and will constantly pray that He may be with us for all the days ahead.
I've put my life in Him and I'm giving everything to Him. I will obey His will and be grateful for every favor He gives. The past month was full of blessings and I felt loved by Him. And I am truly grateful for everything that is happening in my life. I am certain that no amount of anything can change the way I see Him as my God. I love Him and I will praise Him until the breathe He gave departs from me.
These past few days have been, shall I say, critical. I felt like I've been tested with my weakness. And I don't know if I handled it well. And with all these things happening, I realized, I'm still human. I get hurt. That's the most amazing part. I am hurting still.
This 3rd of July will be my 3rd year anniversary being apart from home. And I'm like *whew*. When I first made my decision I thought I wouldn't survive being away for a day... and I made it through 1096 days! I made it through all the best and all the worst. And I am coming home soon! I am so excited about it. I haven't had any listed plans because all I ever want is to be with my family whom I missed for so long... And then, just yesterday, I was told by my sister that she can't meet me at the airport because she had something important to do regarding her new work. And I was like, okay. I'm a little sad but it's okay. We can still see each other. And then, maybe Mama also won't be able to meet me. And I was like, okay. It's no problem. I even wanted to just surprise them at home. And then my sister said that she might not be home for most of the days that I'm home. And I was like, of course, not okay. :( My heart closed up for a while and I deeply thought why I am hurting so much. All I ever wanted and all I ever wished is for our family to be complete again and seeing her out of the picture for a second is actually, a stinging pain that shot through my heart and made my tears to well up. I cried because I could not help it. My heart was too heavy I find it difficult to do anything but just cry. I can't even breathe through my nose because it's kind of painful.
A part of me paused, telling me something is definitely wrong. I thought that having Him in my life will make me invincible. I was deeply convinced about that. But then, I am hurting right now... and I'm in tears again just like before.
And just like the human I have been, I knelt down and pray to trust His ways even more. I've come to recognize that I am really in pain. And that the pain is too great for my heart to contain. But I'm trusting Him even more because I knew He would never give me something I couldn't handle. Now that I'm beginning to feel the heaviness of the cross I have to carry, I will weep for a while because it hurts. But I will carry it with a smile as I walk through life because this indicates one thing --- He trusts me. And He is preparing me to be worthy of Him...
So whatever happens... when my plans and expectation don't turn out as perfect as I thought them to be, I'll just have to do whatever that I can to make each moment count. If He allows a day for all of us to be together, then let it be a day. I will give thanks for it and will constantly pray that He may be with us for all the days ahead.
Comments