merry christmas
It's the twenty-fourth. Later it's gonna be seconds and it will be christmas.
I miss home... Like I always do. It's just so much different when it's this time of the year. I don't know how I should feel or how I shouldd react. I tried to block all my emotions just to keep me standing. I've been trying hard enough to avoid unhappy thoughts because it's christmas. And christmas means happiness. Only a lonely soul could afford depression and I'm not giving in to it. Because I'm no lonely soul... just burned and battered. hehe
It's just that christmas at home means HAPPINESS that I couldn't avoid thinking how much happiness I've been missing. Like you could shout, "Life couldn't get better, Hey!". It's the most wonderful time of the year. The bestest memories are shared during christmas. And it is the time when we feel most loved and we give most love. It's the time of the year that you are eager to look forward to. And I just can't believe I've been dreading for this moment to come. Like every ticking of the clock actually hurts.
I've spent christmas before without my family. I surely know what to do so I won't be sad. It felt strange though. I tried to be happy even when I feel loneliness is sucking all the happy thoughts I could gather. The most painful torture of all. And I've been torn apart. And yet, I am still here. Even when I thought I couldn't bear the pain, I am still here. And that, is a great thing. Because after every tear, one should become stronger.
So, there's actually no point in preventing tears to flow. Because every tear has its own story. It falls because it can't hold on to the eyes anymore. Because gravity is its bestfriend and they wanna be together. They are meant to be together. and when a tear is finally embracing the unseen gravity, happiness must burst somewhere.
But... if I give in to one tear, the other one will follow and so the others would be jealous and would want to go and stream down too. And that means crying. I just can't bear to be unhappy. Because God has given me a lot of reasons to be happy. He gave me everything that I wished for. They are just in different place and time but He gave them all to me. Therefore, I should be grateful.
It's white christmas. And it rarely happens. It's the first time in a long, long time and I am fortunate enough to witness how beautiful the world covered in white. To experience that feeling of momentarily losing sight of time watching each snow fall. And I love this place. I really do. And I love the way people live. I love the peace and serenity they all have. I love the composure of each and everyone. No hassles, no worries, no problems, nothing. People get stressed but it's okay. They get rest and it's okay. Life is fun. It is super wonderful. It's a very beautiful life. And I love it.
I love it... But... I still miss home. I do. I really do. That no matter how perfect everything is, my heart is still breaking. Because this world is so beautiful I could cry. Even if I manage to get in, my heart had always belonged to a place where my family is. It belonged there.
My greatest christmas wish? Is to hold Mama, Papa, Ate Geegile, Eboy and Ayen's hands. Or touch even the tips of their fingers. Because I fear hugs might be too much. It has been my wish for so long. I wish to see them. Hold them. Feel their warmth. Talk and laugh with them. It's impossible, I know. But that is what I wish for christmas.
I just wish that they are happy. That God will find ways for them to smile and laugh and be merry. Because I know that I can manage my pains. I can survive this christmas. It is not as crucial as the first time. I just wish that each of the people that is special to me knows I care for them even when I don' get to speak or write to them.
I love you all. My family, my Macul and Rosagaran family, my childhood friends, my college friends, my TOP family, my facebook and friendster friends, my Danish family, my Norwegian family, my dk friends, my no friends, my bestfriends, my crushes, my neighbors, my acquaintances, strangers hehe EVERYONE-- Merry Christmas! Maligayang Pasko! Maayong Pasko! God Jul!
I miss home... Like I always do. It's just so much different when it's this time of the year. I don't know how I should feel or how I shouldd react. I tried to block all my emotions just to keep me standing. I've been trying hard enough to avoid unhappy thoughts because it's christmas. And christmas means happiness. Only a lonely soul could afford depression and I'm not giving in to it. Because I'm no lonely soul... just burned and battered. hehe
It's just that christmas at home means HAPPINESS that I couldn't avoid thinking how much happiness I've been missing. Like you could shout, "Life couldn't get better, Hey!". It's the most wonderful time of the year. The bestest memories are shared during christmas. And it is the time when we feel most loved and we give most love. It's the time of the year that you are eager to look forward to. And I just can't believe I've been dreading for this moment to come. Like every ticking of the clock actually hurts.
I've spent christmas before without my family. I surely know what to do so I won't be sad. It felt strange though. I tried to be happy even when I feel loneliness is sucking all the happy thoughts I could gather. The most painful torture of all. And I've been torn apart. And yet, I am still here. Even when I thought I couldn't bear the pain, I am still here. And that, is a great thing. Because after every tear, one should become stronger.
So, there's actually no point in preventing tears to flow. Because every tear has its own story. It falls because it can't hold on to the eyes anymore. Because gravity is its bestfriend and they wanna be together. They are meant to be together. and when a tear is finally embracing the unseen gravity, happiness must burst somewhere.
But... if I give in to one tear, the other one will follow and so the others would be jealous and would want to go and stream down too. And that means crying. I just can't bear to be unhappy. Because God has given me a lot of reasons to be happy. He gave me everything that I wished for. They are just in different place and time but He gave them all to me. Therefore, I should be grateful.
It's white christmas. And it rarely happens. It's the first time in a long, long time and I am fortunate enough to witness how beautiful the world covered in white. To experience that feeling of momentarily losing sight of time watching each snow fall. And I love this place. I really do. And I love the way people live. I love the peace and serenity they all have. I love the composure of each and everyone. No hassles, no worries, no problems, nothing. People get stressed but it's okay. They get rest and it's okay. Life is fun. It is super wonderful. It's a very beautiful life. And I love it.
I love it... But... I still miss home. I do. I really do. That no matter how perfect everything is, my heart is still breaking. Because this world is so beautiful I could cry. Even if I manage to get in, my heart had always belonged to a place where my family is. It belonged there.
My greatest christmas wish? Is to hold Mama, Papa, Ate Geegile, Eboy and Ayen's hands. Or touch even the tips of their fingers. Because I fear hugs might be too much. It has been my wish for so long. I wish to see them. Hold them. Feel their warmth. Talk and laugh with them. It's impossible, I know. But that is what I wish for christmas.
I just wish that they are happy. That God will find ways for them to smile and laugh and be merry. Because I know that I can manage my pains. I can survive this christmas. It is not as crucial as the first time. I just wish that each of the people that is special to me knows I care for them even when I don' get to speak or write to them.
I love you all. My family, my Macul and Rosagaran family, my childhood friends, my college friends, my TOP family, my facebook and friendster friends, my Danish family, my Norwegian family, my dk friends, my no friends, my bestfriends, my crushes, my neighbors, my acquaintances, strangers hehe EVERYONE-- Merry Christmas! Maligayang Pasko! Maayong Pasko! God Jul!
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