wishful thinking

My mind is a bit troubled by the mere fact that I am being forgetful. I suddenly can't focus on the things I should remember. It felt like. . . I am losing track of my own memory... And what troubles me most is the empty feeling that goes along with it. I suddenly realized it had been long since I felt sad. It won't worry me much if it had been long since I was happy because that is considerably "normal".

... but sadness... it is the only tracking device that I have to let me know I am still alive, that I am still human... I don't wanna end up being a cyborg. I wish to keep my heart. I won't mind it bleeding as long as it's still beating. Because if I lose it... I'll lose me also... I will be totally gone and I don't want that... I won't want that. Nobody wants that. Will anybody want that?

I wish. . .

I could relive those days when my heart was still pure. . .

those times I believed in fairies and dwarfs. . .

those nights when I wished upon falling stars. . .

those Christmas eves that I excitedly wait for Santa to come. . .

and those moments of heartfelt prayers I used to whisper at night. . .

all those make-believes, those fantasies, those miracles. . .

those which has filled my life with warmth, comfort, and happiness.

I wish I could feel me in those moments. . . and hopefully, get my heart back into shape. . . so it would be much easier for my mind not to forget.