how am i...?
I used to think that the most important in this world for me is my family. . . I still think that they are. Though we are miles apart, we are one in heart. I still miss them. . . I miss us. . .
Yeah right. I've been here for more than a year and still, I don't know how to deal with homesickness. It's like... It's like my heart is being ripped off my chest everytime I feel how much I long to be with them. I'm probably not missing them... 'missing' won't ever fit in to what i am feeling. I wonder what word fits. Someone should invent one for me...
Sometimes, I think that God has arranged for everything to happen so we could realize the value of something we were just taking for granted. Had I known I will be away for long, I could've showed how much I love them. I should've given more. I wish I could've hugged them all tight before I left. I wish I could've spent most of my time helping them in all they need.
There's a lot of things I would want to do for them but I just can't... I can't be there.
About a year and 3 months and 16 days ago, I stood at Mactan International Airport. I knew, it will be a hard parting. But I have decided and I knew I was doing it for them. That made me braver, knowing that the reason for the things I'll be doing is for them. I love them so much that I am willing to do anything. All of them were there to send me off. Mama Josie was there, too. When it was time for check-in, i bid goodbye to them. They didn't allow Mama and Papa to go with me inside (There should be no crying. That was what we have decided the day before). So, I hugged and kissed them goodbye and whispered words of love. I was close to tears but I didn't cry. I waved goodbye. They said that I shouldn't look back so I won't miss home... But I did. I looked at Mama and Papa the last time and went in together with Ate Geegile, Eboy, Ayen and Mama Josie. Ate Geegile accompanied me when I checked in. Being with her just makes me feel stronger. I knew that moment that I'll soon be deprived of that feeling. A few minutes more and we were exchanging goodbyes and hugs. Mama Josie tried to hide her tears. I couldn't descibe the feeling as I watched my siblings for the last time. I knew it will be a long time before we will be together again.
As I went inside the airplane, my confidence began to betray me. My excitement gone and all I felt is that deep longing. I should savor the happy feeling because it was my first time on a plane. But no matter how I tried to revive myself, every second that passed seemed to pull me down.
I was sitting at the window seat. And the last message I received before I turned off my phone was from Eboy, "Te Ayeth! Lingi ari, naa mi sa office ni Kuya Payeto. Wow! Kadaghang tulingan!" And I saw them from kuya Farley's office. I tried to wave at them. I knew they could not see me but I wished so hard that they could. I wanted so much to text them that I can see them but I just couldn't. My tears fell like rain. It felt like my heart is about to explode at that moment. I was sobbing silently, afraid that I might be put off the plane if I get too emotional. Soon, the engines got started and the plane ran for take off. I watched them for the last time... And at that moment, I knew, it was really ..the last time I'd see them... til I get home... I waved at them. I prayed so hard that they would look at my direction even just for once, that they would be able to see me. I wanted to shout but I knew, they would never hear me.
Moments passed, and I was able to console myself. Why cry? Everything happens for a reason. And I knew no matter where I would be, we will always be united by the love we have for each other.
I was right about that. I knew they love me and they are always praying for me. It is a great consolation. It is a great source of strength. They have been with me every step of the way because I hold them inside my heart. But why can't I stop myself from crying? Why do I silently sob at night?
It has been a year... and yet, though I thought I was tougher and stronger, I could never deny the fact that I am still a child inside... I am twenty-two but sometimes I felt like a two-year old. Everytime I walk alone down the dark path, fear engulfs me. I wish there's someone holding my hand. Just like before. Papa and Mama's presence instantly takes the fear out of me. Everytime I eat alone, I can't help but think the six of us sharing every meal. Everytme I laugh, tears flow. Everytime I cry, I cry even more. Might be because I couldn't hear the gentle voice that used to stop me from crying, I couldn't feel those gentle taps on the back, and the assurance that eveything will be alright. Everytime I enter my room, I feel so empty because I wasn't used to sleep alone. I couldn't hear the usual noise before going to sleep, Eboy's voice on the other room joining the conversation. The laughters we used to share,the merciless joke, the singing, the sarcasms, the quarrels, and a lot more. The more I remember those happy moments, the sadder I become. I never imagined that calling out their names would be this hurting. I could shout out "Ma! Pa! Te! Boy! Yen!" with all my might but there will be no one who would reply. Amidst the crowd, there will be no Mama, Papa, Te Geegile, Eboy, nor Ayen who would turn and smile to me. It pains me so much knowing that they are somewhere unreachable by my hands... I couldn't touch them... I couldn't see them. And even if I know they are okay I am still restless because I care for them too much that i just wanna be there when they need me.
I thought time was enough to heal me... Truth is, I'll never be the same me til I got home. I wonder if anyone really understands me. Everybody around me wants to stay here for good. But I want to go home... I just want to live in our house, watch the sun rise over the mountains, listen to bisrock over the radio, eat breakfast together, cook, do the dishes, clean our house, feed the dog and cats, sweep the yard, have that afternoon snacks, watch teleseries togother, go to church together, get a job, write or draw or paint...just anything is worth doing as long as I'm home... as long as I am with them. These are the things important to me... They define my life... My purpose of existence...
Or...
Yeah, maybe I am just missing home too much that I am still like this. I have learned to love this place. I am happy with the people I am with. And I know that when I go home, I would hurt inside... But I just felt like I do not belong here... This is a wonderful dream... but this is just not mine.
Why am I like this? Am I missing them because I looked back? Had I not looked back, would it be different? Would I not miss home as much as I do now? But back then, I had to... If that incident had been the reason of missing them so much, I don't mind... not a slight regret. Because back then I just have to look back. It was the memory of their face that I need to see. Because at that very moment, I could see their hearts... and I just want them to see my heart too... badly beaten but surviving.
Yeah right. I've been here for more than a year and still, I don't know how to deal with homesickness. It's like... It's like my heart is being ripped off my chest everytime I feel how much I long to be with them. I'm probably not missing them... 'missing' won't ever fit in to what i am feeling. I wonder what word fits. Someone should invent one for me...
Sometimes, I think that God has arranged for everything to happen so we could realize the value of something we were just taking for granted. Had I known I will be away for long, I could've showed how much I love them. I should've given more. I wish I could've hugged them all tight before I left. I wish I could've spent most of my time helping them in all they need.
There's a lot of things I would want to do for them but I just can't... I can't be there.
About a year and 3 months and 16 days ago, I stood at Mactan International Airport. I knew, it will be a hard parting. But I have decided and I knew I was doing it for them. That made me braver, knowing that the reason for the things I'll be doing is for them. I love them so much that I am willing to do anything. All of them were there to send me off. Mama Josie was there, too. When it was time for check-in, i bid goodbye to them. They didn't allow Mama and Papa to go with me inside (There should be no crying. That was what we have decided the day before). So, I hugged and kissed them goodbye and whispered words of love. I was close to tears but I didn't cry. I waved goodbye. They said that I shouldn't look back so I won't miss home... But I did. I looked at Mama and Papa the last time and went in together with Ate Geegile, Eboy, Ayen and Mama Josie. Ate Geegile accompanied me when I checked in. Being with her just makes me feel stronger. I knew that moment that I'll soon be deprived of that feeling. A few minutes more and we were exchanging goodbyes and hugs. Mama Josie tried to hide her tears. I couldn't descibe the feeling as I watched my siblings for the last time. I knew it will be a long time before we will be together again.
As I went inside the airplane, my confidence began to betray me. My excitement gone and all I felt is that deep longing. I should savor the happy feeling because it was my first time on a plane. But no matter how I tried to revive myself, every second that passed seemed to pull me down.
I was sitting at the window seat. And the last message I received before I turned off my phone was from Eboy, "Te Ayeth! Lingi ari, naa mi sa office ni Kuya Payeto. Wow! Kadaghang tulingan!" And I saw them from kuya Farley's office. I tried to wave at them. I knew they could not see me but I wished so hard that they could. I wanted so much to text them that I can see them but I just couldn't. My tears fell like rain. It felt like my heart is about to explode at that moment. I was sobbing silently, afraid that I might be put off the plane if I get too emotional. Soon, the engines got started and the plane ran for take off. I watched them for the last time... And at that moment, I knew, it was really ..the last time I'd see them... til I get home... I waved at them. I prayed so hard that they would look at my direction even just for once, that they would be able to see me. I wanted to shout but I knew, they would never hear me.
Moments passed, and I was able to console myself. Why cry? Everything happens for a reason. And I knew no matter where I would be, we will always be united by the love we have for each other.
I was right about that. I knew they love me and they are always praying for me. It is a great consolation. It is a great source of strength. They have been with me every step of the way because I hold them inside my heart. But why can't I stop myself from crying? Why do I silently sob at night?
It has been a year... and yet, though I thought I was tougher and stronger, I could never deny the fact that I am still a child inside... I am twenty-two but sometimes I felt like a two-year old. Everytime I walk alone down the dark path, fear engulfs me. I wish there's someone holding my hand. Just like before. Papa and Mama's presence instantly takes the fear out of me. Everytime I eat alone, I can't help but think the six of us sharing every meal. Everytme I laugh, tears flow. Everytime I cry, I cry even more. Might be because I couldn't hear the gentle voice that used to stop me from crying, I couldn't feel those gentle taps on the back, and the assurance that eveything will be alright. Everytime I enter my room, I feel so empty because I wasn't used to sleep alone. I couldn't hear the usual noise before going to sleep, Eboy's voice on the other room joining the conversation. The laughters we used to share,the merciless joke, the singing, the sarcasms, the quarrels, and a lot more. The more I remember those happy moments, the sadder I become. I never imagined that calling out their names would be this hurting. I could shout out "Ma! Pa! Te! Boy! Yen!" with all my might but there will be no one who would reply. Amidst the crowd, there will be no Mama, Papa, Te Geegile, Eboy, nor Ayen who would turn and smile to me. It pains me so much knowing that they are somewhere unreachable by my hands... I couldn't touch them... I couldn't see them. And even if I know they are okay I am still restless because I care for them too much that i just wanna be there when they need me.
I thought time was enough to heal me... Truth is, I'll never be the same me til I got home. I wonder if anyone really understands me. Everybody around me wants to stay here for good. But I want to go home... I just want to live in our house, watch the sun rise over the mountains, listen to bisrock over the radio, eat breakfast together, cook, do the dishes, clean our house, feed the dog and cats, sweep the yard, have that afternoon snacks, watch teleseries togother, go to church together, get a job, write or draw or paint...just anything is worth doing as long as I'm home... as long as I am with them. These are the things important to me... They define my life... My purpose of existence...
Or...
Yeah, maybe I am just missing home too much that I am still like this. I have learned to love this place. I am happy with the people I am with. And I know that when I go home, I would hurt inside... But I just felt like I do not belong here... This is a wonderful dream... but this is just not mine.
Why am I like this? Am I missing them because I looked back? Had I not looked back, would it be different? Would I not miss home as much as I do now? But back then, I had to... If that incident had been the reason of missing them so much, I don't mind... not a slight regret. Because back then I just have to look back. It was the memory of their face that I need to see. Because at that very moment, I could see their hearts... and I just want them to see my heart too... badly beaten but surviving.
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