over a cup of coffee

One Monday morning, I got a text message from home... It was from my mother, telling me that Lola Young has started her journey to heaven.

For a while I didn't know what to react. It didn't seem to enter my mind at that moment. I read it again. I could sense the comfort that my mother wanted to envelop in that message. Telling me that life is life... and though it hurts, we must accept the fact that no matter how we hold on, time will come that we must let go... and that time was now... that no matter how it hurts, we should be happy because she is in a better place... Her sufferings have ended... Lola Young has finally rest in peace.

Until I've felt it... that unexplainable sorrow filled my heart in an instant and no amount of crying nor screaming could ever make me feel better. 

I held on to the chair as I slumped on the floor. It was then that I felt pain beyond all the pain I've felt before. And I found myself hugging myself as I cried so hard I could feel my heart shattering with the anguish it can't almost contain.

I tried to pacify myself. I thought, I'm stronger now. And I perceive things more open-mindedly than before. Lola's happy right now. I should be happy for her. Still... it's so painful that no consolation could take away.

I grieved... I mourned... I felt sorrowful. Extremely sorrowful.

I was even lucky my bestfriend Glogie came to visit me. She was in tears as she approached me. And though I wanted to appear strong so she won't worry, I could not. I felt so weak as I cried in her arms. I felt that something also died inside me and the pain was lingering. I could smell it, I could see it, I could feel it. It has taken form and it is continually hurting me... every single moment that taking each breath is actually a struggle.

I went to the church that night. I attended a Norwegian Mass and I prayed. Though I understand nothing, I felt comforted I could see Him... I could be with Him. I wanted to pour out to Him all that is hurting me because I could not take it. I could not bear it. I needed Him so much. Because no one could comfort me the way He does.

As I knelt down in front of the altar, I felt that the whole world seemed to stop. And all I can feel is the anguish of my own sorrowful heart. I am quite ashamed by the way I am acting-- so so weak. I knew it was coming. I even believed that I was ready for it. Lola was old and she has been sick for a long time. But I've hoped she'll get well soon to. I've always hoped for it. But I entrusted that God has His own plans. He has everything under control. So, I could say, I was ready...

I just wasn't ready for my own reaction... I wasn't ready of the pain. How deep the wound is and how it seemed not to stop from bleeding.

For a moment I could stand up and be happy for her. She's in a better place and I should be happy for her... I am happy...

But I could never deny that hollow that was bore deep inside my heart that I have no chance of escaping. There's no other way but to feel it. And I always find myself clutching my heart because the pain is too great for me to bear. 

I've had my own share of trials... and at that point, I've asked God why... it is the question I never failed to ask. I've grown in love with Him, I knew that. But I couldn't figure out why... the pain never left me. Why these sorrows are unending? Why is this life so hard to live? My eyes are hurt of crying... yet it never stops.  I felt like my hope was dying... I couldn't see any reason to be happy. For days I was like zombie. I can't sleep at night. And I even forgot how it is to pray.

I find it hard to utter a prayer... that was the worse thing that ever happened to me.

I knew I haven't mourned yet. At least, not totally. And funny it may be, I don't want to be comforted. It makes me feel less human. I knew that the death of Lola Young somehow also put to death a part of my heart. I couldn't seem to cry at my room. I felt suffocated. 

And I needed to write it down. It's how I mourn. I need to write every feeling that is in my heart. I can only fully empty myself through writing.

The whole week, I felt empty. I wanted to go home... so much. I knew that it would be more painful, seeing Mama crying, and all of them whom I love... It will be more painful... but I could get strength from them as they draw strength from me. Some people may never understand it, but it is how we get through the pain of losing someone who once meant the world to us. I tried though... but I understood that some things are just out of hand. I had no money and I had no time. So I accepted that going home is an option I could not choose.

I felt so empty... but I have no choice except to live my life. I watched Showtime, just like before. And I could still laugh with the jokes. And everytime it ends, I give thanks I survived an hour feeling something other than being sad. I also watched Imortal. Somehow these shows makes time move a little faster. But I am not still the same me. I need to mourn. I need to feel the hurt and then let it go. I need to write it all down. So one evening, I went to Deli de Luca, it's a coffee shop. I felt suffocated in my own room I need a new place. If it wasn't too cold, I would have been at the lake nearby. But it's freezing cold so I went to the coffee shop. I brought forty kroner because that was all I had, my Bible, a notebook and a ballpen ang Footprints for Women by Margaret Fisherback Powers (a gift from Sai). I ordered coffee and a cookie for 29 kr. It has a good view from the city. But I chose a corner where people won't be able to notice if I cry. 

Earlier that day, as I watched Imortal, a phrase struck me.

"Even when you feel like dying, hindi titigil ang mundo para sa iyo!" ( Even when you feel like dying, the world won't stop for you!) I wrote that down.

Then I pulled out my Bible. On random I opened the pages of my Bible and there I read, "The man declares, I am weary O God; I am weary O God, I am worn out. Surely I am too stupid to be a man. I have not the understanding of a man." Strike 2.

Then, I opened Footprints and there I read, "Whether we face death, discouragement, loss or pain, we can take great comfort in knowing that no sorrow is too deep that God cannot feel it with us and no trial is so great that He cannot deliver us from it. though we may face trouble and difficulties, sadness and pain, God is still in control. He is always with us. " strike 3! My tears fell like rain. And though I could see the darkness ahead, I felt light sparkled within  me... because God is with me. Even when I choose not to feel His presence, He is always there, holding my hand. And I felt a great comfort I could not help but cry.

Then, I begin to write. I emptied my heart. I wrote a goodbye letter to Lola Young.

Dearest Lola Young,

You see me weep right now but don't worry because this is just for the meantime. I weep because we've lost such a wonderful grandmother. I weep because I've lost one of the people whom I offer my strength day after day. I weep for you have left... and yet the love I have for you is here and unchanging and I have no one else to give this because no one else could fill the space you have in my heart.

But this pain is nothing when I think of how you might be rejoicing right now. Finally home... Finally with Mama Mary and all the angels and the saints... Much more, finally with God...

I am grsteful for the times that God has given for you to be with us. I thank Him for all the lessons I've learned through you. And I thank Him most that He gave us such an ever-loving and kind Lola.

I love you, La. I hope you know that. I hope you feel that up there.

I hope this pain will end soon so you won't worry about us. I'll hold on to God because I know He holds you.

Sorry I won't be able to go home to say my goodbye... I'm saying it now...

Bye La... It hurts so much now that you're gone. But I will see you again soon, that is for sure. And when we do, we will be together forever... There will be no mournings... no goodbyes... no tears...

I am happy for you, La... I love you so much.

Always,
Inday Ayeth

On Sunday morning, I went to Akker Brygge. Alone... I took out the letter I wrote for Lola. I made a boat out of it and threw it into the sea. I smiled when it didn't even reached the water. So I just closed my eyes and whispered to the wind to carry my letter to Lola. I knew it will reach her... in heaven.