a mother's intuition
It had been a long time since I sent an sms to my mother telling her I'm okay. The feeling was like when I was on my first month away from home. Telling her I'm okay when I'm certainly not. I'm bothered by a lot of thoughts lately. A lot of things had caused my head to ache and my heart to throb in pain. I wanted to tell her about these things but I just don't want her to worry. I never wanted her to worry.
When I received her message that morning, I thought it was like most messages are. Just keeping in touch. I woke up late so I hurriedly fixed myself and thought of replying later. After I had prepared breakfast, I checked the time in my mobile and was surprised to see a missed call. I was more surprised when I saw it was from Ate Geegile. I hurriedly called her back. And then she asked me if I'm okay. I was puzzled but answered her I'm fine and asked how they were. She told me they're all fine. It's just that Mama was worried about me and I need to tell her I'm okay. The call ended.
I still feel puzzled. Why would Mama be worried about me? I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. And for a fraction of second I began to scan myself and sighed. No, I'm not really fine. I've been crying yesteday and my heart has been heavy for a week so I knew, I'm not fine. But then I replied to her message telling her I'm okay. A white lie won't hurt. Then she replied immediately, like she just had a sigh of relief. She had been worried about me since yesterday. She could feel that there was something wrong. At that moment I received her message, my tears began to well up. I could feel her desire to comfort me despite our distance. And I could feel my desire to be comforted by her. No one could soothe my pains like my mother does. I felt that longing to be enveloped by her arms again. And once again I felt distressed that my hands could not reach her and she could not reach me. I cried for a while but I knew I had to be strong. I just had to be.
I slipped a little though. I told her I was little sad because I can't be at the debut of our youngest sister. It wasn't a lie. It was true that I was sad about it but there are a lot of things I've been sad about these days. My heart had something like a hole that I had to curl myself like a ball so I wouldn't feel that staggering pain. She didn't seem to believe that though. She told me about the thing we had sworn to each other, no lies. But as much as I wanted to tell her, I knew I should learn to keep things to myself so as not to complicate things. I felt her care. And that was enough for me. I could move one step forward.
My sister then forwarded an sms from my mother. She cried in relief to know that I was okay. She had been restless the past days because she had a dream about me and she knew I'm not feeling well. She's so glad nothing serious happened to me. Her worries lessened. And I wanna cry after reading the message.
I missed Mama... especially during these times my heart seemed to be at its heaviest. I felt vulnerable, as vulnerable as a new born baby's skin. Everything can cut me, deep. Everything can make me bleed, profusely. But she isn't here to protect me. So I need to be brave and strong. I put everything in God's hand. I know He sees and He hears and He feels. He knows everything and He would soon put my heart to rest.
It is a great comfort that someone knows exactly how you feel. And feels for you the way nobody can ever do. I know how hard she prays every night for our safety. I know how hard it is for her feeling our pains and cannot do something about it. I know her great sacrifice. I couldn't wait for that day I'll be home and hug her tight again. After all these years, after everything we've been through, after having the worst of worst, I still love her. I love her so much... and I'm so grateful I have her as my mother.
When I received her message that morning, I thought it was like most messages are. Just keeping in touch. I woke up late so I hurriedly fixed myself and thought of replying later. After I had prepared breakfast, I checked the time in my mobile and was surprised to see a missed call. I was more surprised when I saw it was from Ate Geegile. I hurriedly called her back. And then she asked me if I'm okay. I was puzzled but answered her I'm fine and asked how they were. She told me they're all fine. It's just that Mama was worried about me and I need to tell her I'm okay. The call ended.
I still feel puzzled. Why would Mama be worried about me? I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. And for a fraction of second I began to scan myself and sighed. No, I'm not really fine. I've been crying yesteday and my heart has been heavy for a week so I knew, I'm not fine. But then I replied to her message telling her I'm okay. A white lie won't hurt. Then she replied immediately, like she just had a sigh of relief. She had been worried about me since yesterday. She could feel that there was something wrong. At that moment I received her message, my tears began to well up. I could feel her desire to comfort me despite our distance. And I could feel my desire to be comforted by her. No one could soothe my pains like my mother does. I felt that longing to be enveloped by her arms again. And once again I felt distressed that my hands could not reach her and she could not reach me. I cried for a while but I knew I had to be strong. I just had to be.
I slipped a little though. I told her I was little sad because I can't be at the debut of our youngest sister. It wasn't a lie. It was true that I was sad about it but there are a lot of things I've been sad about these days. My heart had something like a hole that I had to curl myself like a ball so I wouldn't feel that staggering pain. She didn't seem to believe that though. She told me about the thing we had sworn to each other, no lies. But as much as I wanted to tell her, I knew I should learn to keep things to myself so as not to complicate things. I felt her care. And that was enough for me. I could move one step forward.
My sister then forwarded an sms from my mother. She cried in relief to know that I was okay. She had been restless the past days because she had a dream about me and she knew I'm not feeling well. She's so glad nothing serious happened to me. Her worries lessened. And I wanna cry after reading the message.
I missed Mama... especially during these times my heart seemed to be at its heaviest. I felt vulnerable, as vulnerable as a new born baby's skin. Everything can cut me, deep. Everything can make me bleed, profusely. But she isn't here to protect me. So I need to be brave and strong. I put everything in God's hand. I know He sees and He hears and He feels. He knows everything and He would soon put my heart to rest.
It is a great comfort that someone knows exactly how you feel. And feels for you the way nobody can ever do. I know how hard she prays every night for our safety. I know how hard it is for her feeling our pains and cannot do something about it. I know her great sacrifice. I couldn't wait for that day I'll be home and hug her tight again. After all these years, after everything we've been through, after having the worst of worst, I still love her. I love her so much... and I'm so grateful I have her as my mother.
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