a hole
I feel like... there's a big hole inside me. It's too huge that it consumes all of me. I had to hold myself else I'd be broken. I'm trying to think of things (a lot of things) to keep me busy. But this hole... I could feel it. And it's tearing me apart. I don't know if it has something to do with the fine weather and I'm stuck here in the basement because I particularly wanted to be stuck. I feel the need to escape but my feet are glued in the ground. And even if I could run... well, how could you ever escape something that's already inside of you? And I felt it growing inside me. I don't know until when I'd be able to hold up.
Sometimes I feel like it's eating all of me. *sigh* How can loving be so painful? Why can't we just love and... just love? Why do people have to get hurt? *sigh* (again). I am accepting all these though. It's not easy but I guess I'm doing great. I am hurting but not dying. hehe I actually thought I was but I am glad I am not. If I settled on my sorrows, I probably had. But I'm praying... And I'm giving it all up to Him. I'm kind of ashamed though. I should've devoted all my thoughts to God, and His steadfast love, and Jesus' sacrifice. It's Lent and I'm so selfish thinking of my own feelings. It had been a long time since I've felt like this. Stupid and helpless. And it was my fault because I let it happen. I've let it in. Even when I knew I had to suffer painful consequences, I've let it in. Now, I'm letting it go. I've let it go. And I am left here with this hole I'm finding ways to deal with. The painful consequences has started. And it's like a bolt of lightning piercing through my vulnerable being. And only God knows when it will end.
I honestly have no idea how to get through this but I am confident enough that if I surrender everything in His hands, He will eventually ease all the pains I felt inside. I just hope that time will come that everything will be alright. When nobody... absolutely nobody gets hurt.
I've learned some lessons from this experience though, one, there's nothing I can do with my feelings. I got to live with it. Accept its presence. But it doesn't mean I couldn't stop myself from hurting people. I still have a choice. And choosing right over wrong is the best thing to do ín any situation; two, it gave me a better understanding about love. And why sacrifices happen. And why people hurt the ones they love even when they really don't mean to.; three, it has made me feel grateful how great it is to have a friend. An honest one. A true one that helps you see when you apparently want to choose to be blind. The one who understands you when you quit understanding yourself. And four, the most important one, it made me realize that when you felt all else had fallen apart and there's just you and your pain, there's always a Hand that holds you and guides you. A Hand that heals. And it belongs to Someone who never failed you when all else had.
I guess I have a better understanding now. And I'm creating a patch! yeah, right now... for the hole.hehehe
Sometimes I feel like it's eating all of me. *sigh* How can loving be so painful? Why can't we just love and... just love? Why do people have to get hurt? *sigh* (again). I am accepting all these though. It's not easy but I guess I'm doing great. I am hurting but not dying. hehe I actually thought I was but I am glad I am not. If I settled on my sorrows, I probably had. But I'm praying... And I'm giving it all up to Him. I'm kind of ashamed though. I should've devoted all my thoughts to God, and His steadfast love, and Jesus' sacrifice. It's Lent and I'm so selfish thinking of my own feelings. It had been a long time since I've felt like this. Stupid and helpless. And it was my fault because I let it happen. I've let it in. Even when I knew I had to suffer painful consequences, I've let it in. Now, I'm letting it go. I've let it go. And I am left here with this hole I'm finding ways to deal with. The painful consequences has started. And it's like a bolt of lightning piercing through my vulnerable being. And only God knows when it will end.
I honestly have no idea how to get through this but I am confident enough that if I surrender everything in His hands, He will eventually ease all the pains I felt inside. I just hope that time will come that everything will be alright. When nobody... absolutely nobody gets hurt.
I've learned some lessons from this experience though, one, there's nothing I can do with my feelings. I got to live with it. Accept its presence. But it doesn't mean I couldn't stop myself from hurting people. I still have a choice. And choosing right over wrong is the best thing to do ín any situation; two, it gave me a better understanding about love. And why sacrifices happen. And why people hurt the ones they love even when they really don't mean to.; three, it has made me feel grateful how great it is to have a friend. An honest one. A true one that helps you see when you apparently want to choose to be blind. The one who understands you when you quit understanding yourself. And four, the most important one, it made me realize that when you felt all else had fallen apart and there's just you and your pain, there's always a Hand that holds you and guides you. A Hand that heals. And it belongs to Someone who never failed you when all else had.
I guess I have a better understanding now. And I'm creating a patch! yeah, right now... for the hole.hehehe
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