the call
Everyone has his/her own way of seeing things. We have different perspectives in life and I guess that's just how it should be= to maintain balance. Positive and negative energies are all around us. And we interact to it to maintain balance.That's how it works. That's just one of the wonders of God's work no human mind could ever come to understand.
The day before my birthday, I was frustrated about my life. (That was the pessimitic side of me working.) I mean, I was turning 24 and I was not doing anything at all. I felt stucked. I could not put one foot forward because my path was blocked. And what's more frustrating was I could see nothing but crossroads. All crossroads. I had no purpose... And I felt like an empty vessel still waiting to be filled. It bothered me so much I always cry during my prayers. I wanted to figure out what I was made of. What I was supposed to do from the moment my heart started ticking. I need to find that something that would be a reason enough to make me want to wake up every morning. I need that certain rush. A purpose. A reason. A calling. I don't want to be inanimate all my life. I wanted to live my life to the fullest.
I thought of pursuing my career in writing. I love writing like breathing. But just like breathing, I sometimes do not notice it. Which isn't good. Finding life's purpose should be more than that. When I was sixteen, all I wanted in my life was to write. I had that passion. I had that adrenaline rush. I could be committed to it to death. I'm so in love I could die with it. But... passion faded out. I gave it up. You know that feeling when you wanted something so badly and you could not have it? That feeling, that hurt, that pain, stopped me from believing in myself. I could not be a writer. I could never be a novelist. But mind you, I tried. I finished two stories and send it to one of the most prestigious publishing houses in the Philippines. I did not expect anything at all. But I was hoping... Hoping they would sense that passion I had in my writing and decide they needed someone just like me. At first, I got no feedback. Sad. The second, I received an sms. Yay! They invited me to join their workshop! I could still recall how happy I was that time. They noticed my story! Ain't that great? I was so happy that my heart would want to burst out and laugh for itself. But, another but, the workshop was impossible. It meant going to Manila (a place so so so far from home), staying there for weeks, deling with people and doing my best to learn. Much more, it meant spending money which I unfortunately didn't have. So, I gave up. Sweet goodbye to my dreams. Okay, I got bitter tears from it. Salty, bitter and sour tears from it. I stopped writing. I hid all my notebooks. And everytime I felt like writing, I tried to ignore it. I just, stopped... And then just recently, just last year, I was back to it. I finished one story and got good feedbacks from it which felt good. I still love writing. But... well, I could see that it was not what I really wanted. It was not as much as I wanted years ago. Seriously, have I gone that old??? hehe But reality struck me, it couldn't be the reason I would live all my life. It isn't enough.It's just not enough. And when you say purpose, it meant everything that you are. It is not what you wanted to be but what God made you to be.
I had another thing in mind actually. Something that I kept ignoring for so long. I knew it was the rightest thing to do but I refused it. I was thinking it wasn't time and I wasn't ready, yet. And here I am now, groping in the darkness when I used to live in that path of light. I talked to my sister about it. Because it seemed... well, it seemed selfish. So, I tried not to think about it. We are bounded with reasons. We are where we are right now because of certain reasons. And we'll get a thousand reasons if we wanted to. The thing is, how do we deal with prioritizing it? God gave us choices. It's up to us what to choose. But we need to realize that if we don't choose what is right, we'll be messed up. But how do we choose what is right?
When I was young and naive and innocent, I experienced seeing Jesus. In a semi-dream. (Because when I woke up I realized I was half-awake.) He was there at the edge of my bed telling me to go with Him. It was just three seconds, I guessed. I hesitated. And then, I cried. I told Him I wanted to experience the world first. I'm not ready. I could not leave my family. I could not leave my life. Which was very contradicting about what I realized way back then. When we were young the society chose which part we should belong. We were told to get education to have a great future. The society pushes us to go beyond our natural thinking. Aim high. Go for gold. Well, there's nothing wrong about that. Except when you realize there is more to life than that. I knew there was something missing. It wasn't enough that you are doing good for your future. Because there is no future. There is only an everlasting life after this and we should figure out what we should do to get into that life as individuals with strong spirits. Pure spirits. Happy spirits. I realized that at that time but I let go of His hands. I did not choose the right thing. And yes, I do feel messed up.
Why are we here on earth? I have thought of this a thousand times before. And I'm one of those confused and battered souls. I used to cry at night. Begging to see the light. I kept asking God. I kept talking to Him even if He doesn't answer back. Honestly, my faith isn't that strong. But I believe in Him. I could see Him. I could hear Him in my heart. And He listens. He cares. He understands.
And just today, I felt light-hearted. I think I've come to understand my life's purpose. It's one of the rarest moments I felt lucid. Like everything was crystal clear. Like God was whispering into my ear. And I just realized that God talks when we listen. He really does. Well, I kinda felt I know now what my life was all about. I was made to take care of things with love. hehehe Cheesy! I felt really good about it. Wherever I am, whoever I am with, I need to take care of everything. Like babysitting. :) You take care with love. To treat everyone, every place and everything with kindness. To be gentle with every little thing. To feel every little thing. To love every little thing. The world is living and I am a part of it. I'm feeling it. I'm loving it.
It all starts with awareness. We need to take a closer look at the bigger picture. We need to feel every breath we take. We are human beings. We might have individual differences. We might not have the same opinions and we might argue in a lot of things. But we are human. We are in the world. We are part of the universe. We are all working in a system we never knew we are. Because we are not aware of it. What I am trying to say is that each one of us has a responsibility to work as one, as a team. To make this world a better place to live. We are not perfect beings, we are made that way. But this is a perfect world. And what we do here is what we'll do in heaven.
Just try to look around for yourself and see the wonders that the Lord has made for us. You are not the only thing that is breathing. Maybe it's time that you care too. Maybe it is about time that you feel how good this world is to you. Every little thing has a life. Every life is a miracle.
Give thanks. :)
The day before my birthday, I was frustrated about my life. (That was the pessimitic side of me working.) I mean, I was turning 24 and I was not doing anything at all. I felt stucked. I could not put one foot forward because my path was blocked. And what's more frustrating was I could see nothing but crossroads. All crossroads. I had no purpose... And I felt like an empty vessel still waiting to be filled. It bothered me so much I always cry during my prayers. I wanted to figure out what I was made of. What I was supposed to do from the moment my heart started ticking. I need to find that something that would be a reason enough to make me want to wake up every morning. I need that certain rush. A purpose. A reason. A calling. I don't want to be inanimate all my life. I wanted to live my life to the fullest.
I thought of pursuing my career in writing. I love writing like breathing. But just like breathing, I sometimes do not notice it. Which isn't good. Finding life's purpose should be more than that. When I was sixteen, all I wanted in my life was to write. I had that passion. I had that adrenaline rush. I could be committed to it to death. I'm so in love I could die with it. But... passion faded out. I gave it up. You know that feeling when you wanted something so badly and you could not have it? That feeling, that hurt, that pain, stopped me from believing in myself. I could not be a writer. I could never be a novelist. But mind you, I tried. I finished two stories and send it to one of the most prestigious publishing houses in the Philippines. I did not expect anything at all. But I was hoping... Hoping they would sense that passion I had in my writing and decide they needed someone just like me. At first, I got no feedback. Sad. The second, I received an sms. Yay! They invited me to join their workshop! I could still recall how happy I was that time. They noticed my story! Ain't that great? I was so happy that my heart would want to burst out and laugh for itself. But, another but, the workshop was impossible. It meant going to Manila (a place so so so far from home), staying there for weeks, deling with people and doing my best to learn. Much more, it meant spending money which I unfortunately didn't have. So, I gave up. Sweet goodbye to my dreams. Okay, I got bitter tears from it. Salty, bitter and sour tears from it. I stopped writing. I hid all my notebooks. And everytime I felt like writing, I tried to ignore it. I just, stopped... And then just recently, just last year, I was back to it. I finished one story and got good feedbacks from it which felt good. I still love writing. But... well, I could see that it was not what I really wanted. It was not as much as I wanted years ago. Seriously, have I gone that old??? hehe But reality struck me, it couldn't be the reason I would live all my life. It isn't enough.It's just not enough. And when you say purpose, it meant everything that you are. It is not what you wanted to be but what God made you to be.
I had another thing in mind actually. Something that I kept ignoring for so long. I knew it was the rightest thing to do but I refused it. I was thinking it wasn't time and I wasn't ready, yet. And here I am now, groping in the darkness when I used to live in that path of light. I talked to my sister about it. Because it seemed... well, it seemed selfish. So, I tried not to think about it. We are bounded with reasons. We are where we are right now because of certain reasons. And we'll get a thousand reasons if we wanted to. The thing is, how do we deal with prioritizing it? God gave us choices. It's up to us what to choose. But we need to realize that if we don't choose what is right, we'll be messed up. But how do we choose what is right?
When I was young and naive and innocent, I experienced seeing Jesus. In a semi-dream. (Because when I woke up I realized I was half-awake.) He was there at the edge of my bed telling me to go with Him. It was just three seconds, I guessed. I hesitated. And then, I cried. I told Him I wanted to experience the world first. I'm not ready. I could not leave my family. I could not leave my life. Which was very contradicting about what I realized way back then. When we were young the society chose which part we should belong. We were told to get education to have a great future. The society pushes us to go beyond our natural thinking. Aim high. Go for gold. Well, there's nothing wrong about that. Except when you realize there is more to life than that. I knew there was something missing. It wasn't enough that you are doing good for your future. Because there is no future. There is only an everlasting life after this and we should figure out what we should do to get into that life as individuals with strong spirits. Pure spirits. Happy spirits. I realized that at that time but I let go of His hands. I did not choose the right thing. And yes, I do feel messed up.
Why are we here on earth? I have thought of this a thousand times before. And I'm one of those confused and battered souls. I used to cry at night. Begging to see the light. I kept asking God. I kept talking to Him even if He doesn't answer back. Honestly, my faith isn't that strong. But I believe in Him. I could see Him. I could hear Him in my heart. And He listens. He cares. He understands.
And just today, I felt light-hearted. I think I've come to understand my life's purpose. It's one of the rarest moments I felt lucid. Like everything was crystal clear. Like God was whispering into my ear. And I just realized that God talks when we listen. He really does. Well, I kinda felt I know now what my life was all about. I was made to take care of things with love. hehehe Cheesy! I felt really good about it. Wherever I am, whoever I am with, I need to take care of everything. Like babysitting. :) You take care with love. To treat everyone, every place and everything with kindness. To be gentle with every little thing. To feel every little thing. To love every little thing. The world is living and I am a part of it. I'm feeling it. I'm loving it.
It all starts with awareness. We need to take a closer look at the bigger picture. We need to feel every breath we take. We are human beings. We might have individual differences. We might not have the same opinions and we might argue in a lot of things. But we are human. We are in the world. We are part of the universe. We are all working in a system we never knew we are. Because we are not aware of it. What I am trying to say is that each one of us has a responsibility to work as one, as a team. To make this world a better place to live. We are not perfect beings, we are made that way. But this is a perfect world. And what we do here is what we'll do in heaven.
Just try to look around for yourself and see the wonders that the Lord has made for us. You are not the only thing that is breathing. Maybe it's time that you care too. Maybe it is about time that you feel how good this world is to you. Every little thing has a life. Every life is a miracle.
Give thanks. :)
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