recharged!
I still can't contain the happiness in my heart after the Kerygma Conference. My heart is so full of love that I feel like it is going to explode. That probably is the reason why I can't stop my eyes from crying. I was so happy for the first time in what seemed to be forever.
Happiness is a big word for me. Because right after Mama's death, I have associated happiness with impossibility. I can still laugh and smile but as we all know, happiness is something more than smiling and laughing. It demands to be felt in our hearts. And it was one of the most difficult feelings to feel because it magnifies what we've lost and we can never have back.
I have been crying since Mama left us. There were times I could not hold myself up that I end up laying on the ground, curling like a ball, weeping hard, trying to hug myself because the loneliness, the sadness, the pain and the emptiness is breaking me apart, piece by piece by piece. I was in the dark place for a long, long time. And I could not move because I was not even whole to start with. It took a while before I could find my feet and decided to stand up. And when I say a while, it means a long time. Because when you are feeling sad and hurt, the tiny second hand on the clock takes a little more time than the usual before it could move forward. Depression dragged me all the way down to Hades. Yes, there were times I felt dead. And shameful it may to admit, I even prayed to just die. The world was dark and life was cruel. And that tiny bit of hope I used to hold on to just died away with Mama. And my faith was put somewhere far away from me.
It was hard. I felt I am wasting away. A part of me wants to do something but a great part just didn't care. I knew then what blinding pain meant because I felt it. The pain just cut off all my senses and all that is left is a body that still breathes but is not even alive. I just let pain take over me.
Until one day, I realized that what I am doing to myself compromises my own sanity. When I started to feel what the rest of us must be feeling, it was then that I decided to have enough of pain. I am not the only child who has lost a mother. I am not the only person who loves Mama so much. And Papa had shown so much strength despite the pain he is feeling. Ate Geegile's strength was admirable because she held us all up, she didn't even stopped working. Eboy and Ayen ran the errands in the house and tried hard to get by each day while I spent most of my day inside my room, trying to decompose myself. Yes, I felt rotting. I saw dried leaves outside and felt I was just like them, rotting away. And I can't just watch them try hard while I do nothing. So I decided to get up.
It was not easy. It took time. It took a lot of positive words from family and friends before I was finally back on my feet. I didn't know where my strength came from. Slowly, I was able to stand and the darkness that used to cover my whole being was something I took hold of, crumpled it in my fist and stored it in my heart. So, I was not in the dark place anymore, the dark place was inside me. It doesn't control me, I control it.
I went back to the city to find work because just like the grass outside our fence, our debts get higher every single day. I made a promise to Mama that I will take care of our family. I promised her that I will provide if not as much, then more as she had so she won't worry. And I won't stop until I fulfill the dreams she had for us.
I found a strength that I never thought I'd ever find. My faith that was crushed was slowly put back together when I spent time alone and talked to my own soul in solitude. I was angry for a long time. I was deeply hurt that God did not answer my prayers. I did not want to understand because I don't know how to. For a long time, I was silent. I can't even pray.
But when I went back to the Basilica and to the Redemptorist church (these were the churches I went to where I prayed so hard for Mama's healing) I knelt and I was reminded of the miracles God has given me each time I prayed. I still asked why He did not do something. There was no answer or maybe I was just so busy crying that I didn't hear Him. The good thing was, I was actually praying. I thought that was impossible too. And I realized that I want Him back. I want the old me back. I want my faith back.
So I begged Him... And miracles started to happen.
I see connections in every person I meet, in every song I hear and sing, in every book I read, in every circumstances. I felt being one with the universe. I started dreaming again and I feel that it is soon to come true.
When I saw Brother Bo's poster about the Kerygma Conference, I felt a need to be a part of it. I remembered the last year's conference and the same feeling engulfed me. And funny it may seem, I had the same situation- I have no money to buy a ticket. Ate Geegile and I are followers of Brother Bo's blog; we buy his books; we watch his preaching in YouTube. It so goes to say that Brother Bo has a great impact in our spiritual maturity. Our personal relationship with God was developed in ways we could never imagine because he has opened our hearts to who God really is. And though life has been tough, we managed to get strength from Him who is not just our God but our Friend. But the connection we used to have was somehow cut off by the pain of having lost the one person we have built our faith upon, and that is Mama. I knew that we needed something to hold on to. To put back the pieces together. To be one with God again. To be whole again.
So, we really wanted to be in the conference. Badly... Sad to say, money is always an issue. I received an SMS from Chychy, one of my friends whose words has helped me get back on my feet. She was going to the conference with Eden and I feel that yearning again. I could just imagine how blessed they are for going there. I felt happy anyway because I woud be able to see Chychy. There were a lot of person I would like to see because when I was so down, they were there for me even if at so many times I have pushed them away so they won't feel my pain. But they were there to understand me anyway. I have accepted the fact that I won't be able to join the conference for now but ; I just promised to myself that I will be one day joining the conference and see Brother Bo in person. Then two days before the conference, Chychy texted me, she could not come because she had a situation at home and asked me to assume her place. I was shocked and happy and worried about her at the same time. I grabbed the chance. Honestly, I wanted to give the ticket to Ate Geegile. I wanted it so much, needed it badly but I knew she needs it more. She was not her old self anymore and I see her struggling every single day. But, she had work so, I went. And I saw and felt miracles happening that very day.
It was raining hard as I rode a jeepney to SM where the buses area is. The song When You Believe filled my ears and my eyes are starting to hurt. I have stopped singing and believing in that song when I saw Mama breathed her last. But right at that very moment, I knew that God has prepared everything for that day. And He has given me the chance to see another miracle.
Both Eden and I are excited for the conference, especially to see Brother Bo. The conference was far more than what I had expected. From the mass, to the worship songs, to all the speakers, I just felt so blessed. Every word bore deep into my heart and I knew I was meant to be there because God wants me to be there.
When we sang (when I say we, it means approximately a thousand people raising both hands giving up everything to be with God at that very moment) 'Our praise go up, the rain comes down', I just felt something warm in my face. It was like a different world. It was like blessings in its tangible form I coukd touch it. My dreams became vivid and I felt so loved by God. A feeling I thought was lost forever. For the very first time, I thought of Mama and I see her smiling. And the pain that used to haunt me because of that dark place inside my heart totally vanished. I felt the warmth of blessings pouring down as we shouted our praise. And as I lifted up my hands to Him, I have surrendered all the hurts, all the pain, the doubts, the disappointments, every single uncomfortable feeling, I lifted it up. And God took it all away from me.
When I saw Brother Bo, I could not help but sob. It was a dream come true. I had the urge to hug him and thank him for helping me in a way I could never explain but just thank him for bringing me back to God, but I just didn't have the chance to be near him. But I knew he felt all the hunger we had for God... I felt reconnected and recharged. I felt that I could do anything.
It was a defining moment when we sang Broken Vessels, which goes like this,
'Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretched like me...
I once was lost but now I'm found,
was blind but now I see...
Oh I can see you now...
Oh I can feel the love in Your eyes
Laying Yourself down
You have brought the broken to life'
At that moment I wished all of us was there. I wished all the people in the world was there. God's healing was evident... I prayed for each person I love who loves me that they may be given the same grace. I prayed for Mama that she may be happy and at peace. I prayed for us who are struggling to get back to our feet. I prayed for the world that all the people could experience what I just did because I felt being renewed.
God has touched my inner core and healed y brokenness. I thank God for the given opportunity. I thank God for my family, for Mama, Papa, Ate Geegile, Eboy and Lory, Ayen, Mama Josie, for Kuya Leo and Ate Edsyl, for Auntie Naty, Tita Virgin, Nanay Lucy, Tiyo Bet, Momoy; for Uncle Yoyong, Auntie Ester, Auntie Malen, Auntie Wency, Mommy Helen; for all our cousins who were there during the darkest moment, for Ate Eper and Ate Joann, Ate Claire, Jam, Ate Celyn, Manong Carlo, Kuya Jay, RG, Benjie, Manong Juvy, Yanyan and Ceilou, Mimi, Shamie, Angging and Mayang, En-en, Jn and Julwen, Maimai, Jojo, for all our nieces, for Kuya Adrian and Boltron, for Nanay Fe, for will the principals and teachers and students, for Mama's friends, for the neighborhood, for Papa's friends, for Sky, Ate Celia, for Karen, Ate Jo, Tata, Isabel, for Farah, Alot, Ma Delfa, Te Janet and a whole lot more I didn't see, for all my friends who were there even when I pushed them Sai, Chychy, for Glogie, for Aileen, for Ate Joann, for Ian, for Rea, for Daisy, for Marlon, everyone... Whoa... That's a long list and it's not even everyone... But I wanna thank these people and those whose effort we have not seen because our eyes are blinded by tears. I utter this prayer;
Dear God,
Thank you for blessing my life with these wonderful people whose words and actions lifted us up when we were down. Thank you for their presence during the most trying part of our lives. Thank you for the strength and the positivity, the courage they inflicted on us. Above all, thank you for the love they have for us, especially for Mama.
In Your great love and mercy, I ask that You bless these people and their dreams as You have blessed me. Please guide them and be with them in every moment of their lives. Strengthen them when life gets tough. Shelter them when life gets tougher. Comfort them in time of need.
I believe in Your love for me. I believe in Your love for us all. I believe You can make all our dreams come true and I want to thank You because I knew You will answer my prayers... I pray for our daily miracles.
All these I ask in Jesus holy name. Amen.
Happiness is a big word for me. Because right after Mama's death, I have associated happiness with impossibility. I can still laugh and smile but as we all know, happiness is something more than smiling and laughing. It demands to be felt in our hearts. And it was one of the most difficult feelings to feel because it magnifies what we've lost and we can never have back.
I have been crying since Mama left us. There were times I could not hold myself up that I end up laying on the ground, curling like a ball, weeping hard, trying to hug myself because the loneliness, the sadness, the pain and the emptiness is breaking me apart, piece by piece by piece. I was in the dark place for a long, long time. And I could not move because I was not even whole to start with. It took a while before I could find my feet and decided to stand up. And when I say a while, it means a long time. Because when you are feeling sad and hurt, the tiny second hand on the clock takes a little more time than the usual before it could move forward. Depression dragged me all the way down to Hades. Yes, there were times I felt dead. And shameful it may to admit, I even prayed to just die. The world was dark and life was cruel. And that tiny bit of hope I used to hold on to just died away with Mama. And my faith was put somewhere far away from me.
It was hard. I felt I am wasting away. A part of me wants to do something but a great part just didn't care. I knew then what blinding pain meant because I felt it. The pain just cut off all my senses and all that is left is a body that still breathes but is not even alive. I just let pain take over me.
Until one day, I realized that what I am doing to myself compromises my own sanity. When I started to feel what the rest of us must be feeling, it was then that I decided to have enough of pain. I am not the only child who has lost a mother. I am not the only person who loves Mama so much. And Papa had shown so much strength despite the pain he is feeling. Ate Geegile's strength was admirable because she held us all up, she didn't even stopped working. Eboy and Ayen ran the errands in the house and tried hard to get by each day while I spent most of my day inside my room, trying to decompose myself. Yes, I felt rotting. I saw dried leaves outside and felt I was just like them, rotting away. And I can't just watch them try hard while I do nothing. So I decided to get up.
It was not easy. It took time. It took a lot of positive words from family and friends before I was finally back on my feet. I didn't know where my strength came from. Slowly, I was able to stand and the darkness that used to cover my whole being was something I took hold of, crumpled it in my fist and stored it in my heart. So, I was not in the dark place anymore, the dark place was inside me. It doesn't control me, I control it.
I went back to the city to find work because just like the grass outside our fence, our debts get higher every single day. I made a promise to Mama that I will take care of our family. I promised her that I will provide if not as much, then more as she had so she won't worry. And I won't stop until I fulfill the dreams she had for us.
I found a strength that I never thought I'd ever find. My faith that was crushed was slowly put back together when I spent time alone and talked to my own soul in solitude. I was angry for a long time. I was deeply hurt that God did not answer my prayers. I did not want to understand because I don't know how to. For a long time, I was silent. I can't even pray.
But when I went back to the Basilica and to the Redemptorist church (these were the churches I went to where I prayed so hard for Mama's healing) I knelt and I was reminded of the miracles God has given me each time I prayed. I still asked why He did not do something. There was no answer or maybe I was just so busy crying that I didn't hear Him. The good thing was, I was actually praying. I thought that was impossible too. And I realized that I want Him back. I want the old me back. I want my faith back.
So I begged Him... And miracles started to happen.
I see connections in every person I meet, in every song I hear and sing, in every book I read, in every circumstances. I felt being one with the universe. I started dreaming again and I feel that it is soon to come true.
When I saw Brother Bo's poster about the Kerygma Conference, I felt a need to be a part of it. I remembered the last year's conference and the same feeling engulfed me. And funny it may seem, I had the same situation- I have no money to buy a ticket. Ate Geegile and I are followers of Brother Bo's blog; we buy his books; we watch his preaching in YouTube. It so goes to say that Brother Bo has a great impact in our spiritual maturity. Our personal relationship with God was developed in ways we could never imagine because he has opened our hearts to who God really is. And though life has been tough, we managed to get strength from Him who is not just our God but our Friend. But the connection we used to have was somehow cut off by the pain of having lost the one person we have built our faith upon, and that is Mama. I knew that we needed something to hold on to. To put back the pieces together. To be one with God again. To be whole again.
So, we really wanted to be in the conference. Badly... Sad to say, money is always an issue. I received an SMS from Chychy, one of my friends whose words has helped me get back on my feet. She was going to the conference with Eden and I feel that yearning again. I could just imagine how blessed they are for going there. I felt happy anyway because I woud be able to see Chychy. There were a lot of person I would like to see because when I was so down, they were there for me even if at so many times I have pushed them away so they won't feel my pain. But they were there to understand me anyway. I have accepted the fact that I won't be able to join the conference for now but ; I just promised to myself that I will be one day joining the conference and see Brother Bo in person. Then two days before the conference, Chychy texted me, she could not come because she had a situation at home and asked me to assume her place. I was shocked and happy and worried about her at the same time. I grabbed the chance. Honestly, I wanted to give the ticket to Ate Geegile. I wanted it so much, needed it badly but I knew she needs it more. She was not her old self anymore and I see her struggling every single day. But, she had work so, I went. And I saw and felt miracles happening that very day.
It was raining hard as I rode a jeepney to SM where the buses area is. The song When You Believe filled my ears and my eyes are starting to hurt. I have stopped singing and believing in that song when I saw Mama breathed her last. But right at that very moment, I knew that God has prepared everything for that day. And He has given me the chance to see another miracle.
Both Eden and I are excited for the conference, especially to see Brother Bo. The conference was far more than what I had expected. From the mass, to the worship songs, to all the speakers, I just felt so blessed. Every word bore deep into my heart and I knew I was meant to be there because God wants me to be there.
When we sang (when I say we, it means approximately a thousand people raising both hands giving up everything to be with God at that very moment) 'Our praise go up, the rain comes down', I just felt something warm in my face. It was like a different world. It was like blessings in its tangible form I coukd touch it. My dreams became vivid and I felt so loved by God. A feeling I thought was lost forever. For the very first time, I thought of Mama and I see her smiling. And the pain that used to haunt me because of that dark place inside my heart totally vanished. I felt the warmth of blessings pouring down as we shouted our praise. And as I lifted up my hands to Him, I have surrendered all the hurts, all the pain, the doubts, the disappointments, every single uncomfortable feeling, I lifted it up. And God took it all away from me.
When I saw Brother Bo, I could not help but sob. It was a dream come true. I had the urge to hug him and thank him for helping me in a way I could never explain but just thank him for bringing me back to God, but I just didn't have the chance to be near him. But I knew he felt all the hunger we had for God... I felt reconnected and recharged. I felt that I could do anything.
It was a defining moment when we sang Broken Vessels, which goes like this,
'Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretched like me...
I once was lost but now I'm found,
was blind but now I see...
Oh I can see you now...
Oh I can feel the love in Your eyes
Laying Yourself down
You have brought the broken to life'
At that moment I wished all of us was there. I wished all the people in the world was there. God's healing was evident... I prayed for each person I love who loves me that they may be given the same grace. I prayed for Mama that she may be happy and at peace. I prayed for us who are struggling to get back to our feet. I prayed for the world that all the people could experience what I just did because I felt being renewed.
God has touched my inner core and healed y brokenness. I thank God for the given opportunity. I thank God for my family, for Mama, Papa, Ate Geegile, Eboy and Lory, Ayen, Mama Josie, for Kuya Leo and Ate Edsyl, for Auntie Naty, Tita Virgin, Nanay Lucy, Tiyo Bet, Momoy; for Uncle Yoyong, Auntie Ester, Auntie Malen, Auntie Wency, Mommy Helen; for all our cousins who were there during the darkest moment, for Ate Eper and Ate Joann, Ate Claire, Jam, Ate Celyn, Manong Carlo, Kuya Jay, RG, Benjie, Manong Juvy, Yanyan and Ceilou, Mimi, Shamie, Angging and Mayang, En-en, Jn and Julwen, Maimai, Jojo, for all our nieces, for Kuya Adrian and Boltron, for Nanay Fe, for will the principals and teachers and students, for Mama's friends, for the neighborhood, for Papa's friends, for Sky, Ate Celia, for Karen, Ate Jo, Tata, Isabel, for Farah, Alot, Ma Delfa, Te Janet and a whole lot more I didn't see, for all my friends who were there even when I pushed them Sai, Chychy, for Glogie, for Aileen, for Ate Joann, for Ian, for Rea, for Daisy, for Marlon, everyone... Whoa... That's a long list and it's not even everyone... But I wanna thank these people and those whose effort we have not seen because our eyes are blinded by tears. I utter this prayer;
Dear God,
Thank you for blessing my life with these wonderful people whose words and actions lifted us up when we were down. Thank you for their presence during the most trying part of our lives. Thank you for the strength and the positivity, the courage they inflicted on us. Above all, thank you for the love they have for us, especially for Mama.
In Your great love and mercy, I ask that You bless these people and their dreams as You have blessed me. Please guide them and be with them in every moment of their lives. Strengthen them when life gets tough. Shelter them when life gets tougher. Comfort them in time of need.
I believe in Your love for me. I believe in Your love for us all. I believe You can make all our dreams come true and I want to thank You because I knew You will answer my prayers... I pray for our daily miracles.
All these I ask in Jesus holy name. Amen.
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