missed opportunities

I know that I am not the only person in the world who has a lot of ‘should-have-beens’ and ‘if-onlys’. I think most people has, only, we have a million different approaches to it.

 For 7 months and eleven days this year, I was given an opportunity to serve my mother. I had no idea that she’s dying. None of us ever thought that could happen. After years of battling cancer, I think we have grown confident that God always does the impossible. We have grown complacent that we did not see death coming.

I left my work because I could not bear the stress. I used to love it because I deal with authors every day, I get to discover and learn about things I am so passionate about. But something just went wrong along the way. I honestly did not want to leave my job because I worry about Mama and Papa’s medications but I left anyway. Because Mama said it is okay. Mama always knows when to say things we needed to hear. My elder sister who had been at the house since Mama got sick wants to find a job so we trade places. I left my work and stayed at the house and tried to serve Mama and Papa the best way I could. But my best wasn’t enough, so to say. When Mama started feeling sick, everything seems to be slowly falling apart. I have always doubted myself doing healthcare. And the very reason is that my two sisters are nurses and I am not. It is lame and I know I sounded like an idiot but well, I felt like one too. I know it just takes human instinct to take care of someone, it shouldn’t be that difficult. But more often than not, I fail to do the things they were already used to.

For a better understanding, I was not there when Mama was first diagnosed with cancer. I was not there when they had the most difficult time. When Mama felt unbearable pain in her back and could not lay down and even finds it hard to sit. I was not there when she always cries in pain every time she moves. I was not there during those sleepless nights of agony. Not even when they brought her to the hospital which was the longest trip they had because every bump in the road caused Mama so much pain. For most times when they had been lost and hopeless, I wasn’t there. I was miles away from home. I was working as an au pair to a Norwegian family. I know they need me at home and I would’ve gone home if I had money but they need money too so I had to stay. When I got home, Mama was better, though she’s still bedridden and gets sick every now and then because of her low immune system, my sisters had developed certain techniques to make things easier. As the days passed, I realized that I missed a lot.

After series of chemotherapy and endless, countless tearful prayers, Mama got well. She began to walk. I could still remember praying so hard on one December night of 2011 (Mama was diagnosed May 2011) if it could be possible for us to live normal lives; no more worries and fears, no more sickness, no more pains and God granted that. Mama was cancer-free on May 2012. Slowly, we got our lives back. We were still extra careful with Mama but we were able to go to church together, the six of us. Previously, we used to go by batch. Mama used to watch healing mass on TV. We even went to Basilica del Sto. Nino after a long, long time and ate at a fast food together. We got our lives back and we claimed Mama’s healing. We claimed a life of prosperity and happiness.

We never thought the cancer would come back. I remember Mama said it would come back after two years and I said that God has already healed her. But she was right. And it took me a long time before I realized that. There were signs but I refused to believe it was cancer. When her gums were bleeding, and she had been suffering from severe cough (when I say severe cough, it means she’s so weak she had to stay in bed, she’d be having ever and she’d cough so hard her chest would be in pain) I just thought it was just because of the weather. It was so hot due to the summer plus global warming and climate change. When I saw bruises and a huge lump on her side,  I knew that it was serious and we need to go to her doctor immediately. If we just had money (which made me think that I should’ve kept my work) I could’ve sent her to the hospital. But there were just too much going on, our younger sister’s finals and upcoming graduation and board exam was her main concern. So we kept postponing her check up. I end up praying and crying so much because no matter how I keep myself positive, the thought of having cancer back brought so much fear in my heart.

When mother’s day came, I didn’t know it would be the last time she’d receive a mother’s day card. I could’ve put a little more effort. I could’ve gathered my siblings’ messages but I was too late to think of that. She was touched with the card I gave her though I know I could have done better.

It would be as countless as the stars - each missed opportunities I had with my mother. It breaks my whole being, knowing that I will never have those chances back. And I just wasted it because I was too selfish.

I haven’t even thanked her for everything she did for us. I haven’t asked forgiveness for taking her or granted, for hurting her feelings, for not being able to save her.

I wished I had said all the things that are boiling up inside me. I haven’t even told her how much I love her and how much she means to me. I hope she can still hear me. I hope she can still know how much I love her.

Every time I remember how much time I’ve lost, I couldn’t help but regret. And it is killing me.

But just like before, when the pain seemed unbearable, I had to suck it all up.