locked doors

I don’t know where to start. But I don’t want to start and end on the first sentence I wrote so I am hoping that the next sentences will make sense.

Today is just another Tuesday, but not just another October 21, 2014 because obviously this day can only happen once. I hope I could make myself savor the beauty of this day, to enjoy every minute of it; to laugh out loud, to sing or dance and just be happy. But I can’t. I would love to but I just can’t.

Ever since that day I saw Mama breathed her last, I was not the same person I thought I was. It was like everything around me came to a halt. A huge part of me died and no matter what I do, I just can’t fill that hole that has consumed me.

There were days that I could not stop crying. I just could not accept the fact that God has abandoned us that very moment we needed Him most and believed that He could and He would do the impossible for us. I could not deal with the fact that Mama left and I haven’t done my best to save her.

I really don’t want to go there… I don’t want to relive the pain. I don’t want to hear music that reminds me of her sufferings. I can’t take it. It’s ripping me apart. I don’t want to have plans because they remind me of the things that can’t be done. I don’t want to meet people because I suck at conversations which remind me of how Mama could perfectly handle even a huge crowd. I don’t want to open up my feelings anymore because I feel like I’m bleeding to death inside. I have stopped dreaming. I have stopped believing. And I can’t even pray. Everything is just falling apart.

I have locked myself in the dark. I find it difficult to live, because I don’t want to. I can’t endure the agony of waiting. I can’t do it.

But even if I have given up, everyday is a constant reminder that life goes on. I have to let go and live my life and fulfill the dreams I once shared with Mama.

I have to get up and open all these locked doors. But I need to find the keys first.