in time

What keeps your heart beating?


It is a wonder how our hearts beat. It is a wonder how it goes with a special rhythm. And it is a wonder how just a few of us cares. I mean, who listens to the beatings of their hearts everyday? Well, I don't. I listen to it sometimes though but not everyday. Truth is, we don't really care if our own hearts are beating. Instead, we do care if the hearts of the ones we love are beating. We care, for other's hearts.

As we all know, in order to be alive, we need a heart. A beating heart. A heart that goes thump, thump, thump. And all we need to be alive are the ones we love. That's why we care about their hearts' beating. And our only way to know is to ask, "Hey, how are you?". We need to know they're fine, that they're doing well. We need them to be alive because we love them...
because our life won't be complete without them.



But then, we know that there will come a time that a heart stops beating. And when it does, it won't beat again... It's a reality we must face because there is no way we can hide from it.

So... what do you do when the time comes that the heart of someone you love suddenly stops beating?

The only way to do? Accept it. Yes, it isn't easy. And it will never be. Acceptance means having to cry a lot tears until you wear off and cannot cry anymore then gain strength to cry again until you wear off and cannot cry anymore then gain strength and cry again until all the pain in your heart is washed away even though you knew that the pain will never be washed away. That it stays there until the end. You just have to learn to accept its presence in your heart...

Honestly, I'm still in the process of accepting things... of accepting the painful reality. And one thing is clear for me at this point when exhaustion is not an option: I need to be strong. I need to be strong for myself so I can be stronger for those who need my strength. Because there are a lot of people who are in greater pain than I am... and they need strength much more than I do.

During that moment of painful reality, during that particular minute, I felt as if lightning struck me. And what do you do when lightning strikes you? You get shocked, you burn, and you scream. All at the same time. It's excruciatingly painful but there's nothing left to do except to feel it... All I wanted to do at that time is go straight to my mother's arms and cry there. And hear her voice that it's gonna be alright. Because at that time, I could not handle the pain. I couldn't even hug myself. But reality check, I'm far from home and my hands are not that long to reach them all, to hug them all. So I stayed at the bathroom for I don't know how long and cried my heart out. Still, the pain was there. I tried not to think of it but it's no use. I need to accept it. I need to so I can go on. So I can comfort Mama Josie and Kuya Leo. So they won't be worried about me. I needed to be strong. At that moment I felt the worse kind of grief... You know, having it and having no one to share it with.

There were times when it was like, No, this isn't happening. God won't allow this to happen because we prayed for it. A lot of us prayed so much for it. And then out of the misery of my heart I cried, "Why God? Why?"

And at the depth of my heart I heard Him answered, "It's about time."

Then I wept all night.

And I tried to be strong.

Up to this moment, I am trying to be strong. I tried to think of ways that could lessen the pain because no amount of morphine could ever make me feel okay. I am glad for the people around me though and Hebbe too. Each sympathy I received was like a sun during rainy days. You still get cold and wet yet, you get to see the rainbow. They helped ease the pain out. And made me think of happy thoughts. I need happy thoughts. And then I thought of my greatest consolation, we are all going that way. I mean, our hearts will stop beating at one particular time that only God knows when. We are all here for a purpose. And when it's time to go, it is time to go. Death isn't the end but the beginning of a promised eternal life. A life with no worries, sufferings or pain. A life full of happiness. All happiness.

That way, I can be happy. Looking forward for the next life.

But then, my heart still aches. It's not easy to miss someone for what seems to be forever. Like there's a deep hole in my heart that makes me feel empty inside...

And so I found myself saying the same prayer I used to pray when I feel like giving up...

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I knew, things will get better in time.