nostalgic

I don't know if it has something to do with the music I'm listening to... or the fact that I am alone right now that I feel a nostalgic feeling burning deep inside me.
Here I am again... I wish the sadness will all go away. I wish I can smile, like really smile. I wish I can laugh and be careless and be free and be happy like before... but I know it is something out of my own grasp. They say happiness is a choice. True. But what makes you choose?
I can choose to be happy... I can... It's just that, everything is not the same.
I'm back to the point where I feel I have nowhere to go. I feel that even if I run for the sunset I will never find the sunrise because the ground kept me where I was before.
I know I am strong. I know I can overcome this... Maybe this is just today... I hope this is just today.
This same dragging feeling kept my hopes down since Christmas, then New Year, then my birthday, then... Mama's birthday... I just miss  her so much and no amount of screaming could ever take out what is inside of me. I know she is happy now... and I don't want her to worry with my crying but... sometimes, I just can't keep it all inside.
So today, I cry... and tomorrow, who knows... maybe I'll find some other reason to smile...