at peace...

I went to Carmelite Monastery this morning to attend the Sunday mass. It was my first time to there and I am very glad that I did. 

 When I arrived, the mass has already started. I felt that terrible feeling of being watched as I made my way to find a seat just outside the church. Well, that is so normal for me. The uneasiness of being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people slowly went away as I heard the Carmelite sisters singing. We actually can't see them, we can just hear them singing. And I filled with an emotion so familiar and yet so strange... I felt like I am hearing the angels singing and I then realized I felt that certain serenity I have sought for so long. The songs were most Latin and it reminded me of the 'Vespers' (the sunset evening prayer service) Glogie and I used to attend to when I was yet in Norway. The words were strange and yet it bores deep down in your soul. It's holy. I felt not worthy being there and I suddenly burst into tears feeling so grateful for the most wonderful feeling I am feeling which I know I do not deserve. And when I made my way inside the church when the mass ended, I know that I am entering a holy ground. 

I lit 7 candles as I usually do and prayed. But what is more than the usual is that beautiful feeling of solitude where I can feel me, see me standing before God. I then went to an empty pew. I knelt and prayed. I have felt God's love then. I kept saying sorry. Suddenly I had a total recall of my life and I was crying for all the used-to-bes and could-have-beens... I saw myself having failed a lot of times and yet I am in a holy place feeling God's love poured out on me, my heart could burst. 
The mass started. Sing a New Song Unto the Lord was sang and I remembered how I used to sing it at St. Olav's church. My happiness overflows especially that i felt I am singing with God's angels.
I kept thanking God for all the religious people that they exist especially the Carmelite sisters, that they keep fighting the good fight of faith, that they stood up against the world, that they never weary of waiting, doing good at all times, praying and inspiring people, praying to save lives and souls... And I was reminded of how I yearned to be one of them. And yet I knew that I was meant for another path, something I wish I knew I could find real soon.
I am all overwhelmed by the unexpected happenings and then I was struck with the last line of the second reading from the book of Revelations:  

"For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water; and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." 

Soon enough, my eyes welled up and I couldn't stop myself from crying. It was as if all the questions I have in mind were answered. I felt that God led me there so I could listen and understand. I never felt so sorry for the longest time. I then remembered every wrong decision I've made, every sins I've committed. I felt so unworthy and I knew that what kept me standing on that holy ground is God's mercy. I now knew why God kept handing me Divine Mercy booklet, why Ate Geegile kept talking about it, why Mama texts us always so we can pray together- It is because I am gonna need it for today.

During the homily, I was reminded how the Good Shepherd nursed me when I was young, nurtured my feeble faith, strengthened me in every adversity, guided me to the right path, caught me when I fell, cheered me when I was sad, healed me when I was broken, rejoiced when I succeed, hugged me when I was lonely, forgiven me when I sinned, encouraged me when I was afraid, never gave up on me and loved me... loves me still, will love me for always, with an everlasting love. 

Jesus kept His promise to save me. The world has wounded me deep. There was even a time I felt I have lost my own soul. I pray but I do not feel my prayers. I thought I was going through what most saints call 'the dark night of the soul' but I knew mine was different. I love God but I could not bring myself to worship Him. My faith was fading... I have become weary of waiting that I have busied myself to the point of forgetting what truly mattered in life.

Today, something in me is rekindled. I know that I am a changed person. But I also knew that I can always change for the best. I can always make the right choices. I can always choose to do good and I can always let God lead the way.

For so long I have cried to the Lord for the same prayers I used to utter not realizing that He had already provided me with a solution, only it is different from what I thought it would be. I have been blessed..We were so blessed. There were so many miracles we have received from Him. How could I ever forget that? My mother has been saved from cancer and we knew that it was a miracle. We are living with His gifts, how can I doubt?

So I am feeling so happy right now. There is nothing I can't handle. I know that there is no impossible with God. So I have a new found hope that will help me get  through the life of the living. I wish to live well... and I pray that I will always, always remember that Jesus cares for me and loves me unconditionally for all I have been, for all I have become, for all that I am. 

I now know a perfect place where I can find peace.., May we all keep peace within our hearts. Have a blessed and peaceful Sunday!


THANK YOU DEAR LORD FOR THE ROAD YOU LED ME TO WALK TODAY... MAY YOU BE MY GUIDE FOR ALWAYS. I LOVE YOU FOREVER LORD JESUSCHRIST... :)


Below are some photos of the Carmelite Monastery: