Just TODAY...
I used to
keep a diary... Up to this moment, I'm still keeping one. I can best
express myself through writing, that is why... But one strange thing is
that I've lost last year's journal. Well, last year was... how do I
describe it? It is the darkest year for us. Mama got sick. But I
have no entry, not one single writing about how I was or how we were
able to cope up with the situation... 2011 just seem not to exist. But I
knew very well what happened last year... but it is something I never
want to talk about for fear that I might feel again that searing pain
that I have always prayed to cease.
I don't wanna write about it but I have to. Because I feel the need to. So let me step back to that very day the heavens seemed to have shut its doors for us...
It was Good Friday. I managed to have my final fasting for the Lenten season and accompanied the Lord's passion for the whole night (we sang the passion of Christ, reflecting from the very beginning of His life until His death). It was 9am when I went to my host family's house with my back aching. It was really painful. And it might be because we've been sitting up all night. And when I reached my room, I read messages from home. And I was shocked to read that Mama is not well. It seemed that she has broke some bones on her back and she can do no more than sit in one position and cry in pain.
I felt broken. For a while I wasn't able to speak. I just cried until I could not cry anymore. I felt I've got to do something but just can't figure out what to do. And it struck me that I really can't do anything about it. I prayed... I prayed the sorrowful mysteries with so much sorrow that I didn't notice how long I was kneeling that my feet went numb after I felt I have prayed enough. I could not bear to imagine how they were back home. I could feel the tension, the worry in their voices every time I call. And Mama won't even talk to me. I know that everything is not okay and I can't do anything about it.
It was a long period of sadness... of never ending worries... of fears too great for our hearts to contain. It had been tough for them back home. Because suddenly, Mama isn't able to do the things she used to do. They have to improvise things to make it easier. So that the pain she feels might be lessened. Yes, every second since she got sick, she had been crying for pain. I can't even bear to imagine it. how much more if I am at home watching her crying in pain? They didn't sleep at home at all. And when they had to go to the hospital which is 72 km away from home, it took almost five hours to get there. Because Mama shouts in pain every time there is a bump in the road. And the road to the city is not so good. It was an agonizing trip to the hospital. And they have prayed all kind of prayers just to get through that day.
I could not recall how long they had stayed in the hospital waiting for the result. The doctor said it's osteoporosis. The reason for Mama's slipped disk which caused her so much pain. They had to investigate further for the cause of the bone disease and they had to travel to Cebu to have that. At first attempt, they weren't able to ride the fast craft because Mama was in so much pain despite the pain killers they gave her. They had to wait until the pain is tolerable enough for Mama to travel. Until they successfully reached Perpetual Succour Hospital. They took bone marrow sample from her at which Mama was hesitant at first but was convinced after we all encouraged her. And it was then that they told us Mama's diagnosis-- Multiple Myeloma. Well, that's not what they told me actually. They told me it's cancer. That's a word by the way I could easily understand and hoped to have misheard. I was shocked and stunned and for a while I could not breathe. And as the most painful and fearful truth finally got me, I cried for what seemed to be forever. I prayed so hard and felt like I never prayed enough. I think I've gone crazy for a while... and the most common question in the world that arrives to confused and hurt people popped up in my head, WHY? Why Mama? Why cancer? Why us?
I have read books about people having cancer. Yes, I read about My Sister's Keeper and it was a poignant story that made me cry a lot of times. I felt their pain... I thought reading those stories will at least give you an overview of what it could feel. But the pain of knowing the one person you have loved all your life have cancer is almost unbearable. I could not imagine how I get through those days. I don't remember exactly when I stopped crying. And it's not just cry. It' sobbing. It's wailing with never ending begging that it might just go away. But it didn't go away. For a long time we have lived with that fact. And a day seemed a year. It was difficult. It was intoxicating. It felt like the skies had always been dark.
At some point we felt hopeless... and my greatest fear? Is to be stuck somewhere so far while my mother could anytime you know, die. (feared that word so much) I know that all people die. Eventually I will and I am not afraid of death... what I am afraid of is living life not the way it used to be because someone who has meant the world to you ceased existing. That would be tormenting... and I don't know if I'd be able to cope up with that.
We had been emotionally,physically, spiritually and financially drained. But every time it seemed impossible for us to find money for medication, someone extends help. I was even torn between working somewhere else first rather than going home. The pressure was great. My mother wants me to be home. And I have been longing to see her since I knew she was sick. I had this belief that if only I could touch her she will be healed. Because I have asked God that if He wills, I can have my mother's pain. I am young and I can handle it much better than her. I've asked a lot of opinion. And it tore my heart that the best thing to do in order to continue the treatment is for me to work somewhere else. I was confused and was really troubled. I talked to my family and we always come up with “God will provide.” talks. But we were actually worried. But then, I went home... because I may earn money for treatment but that doesn't guarantee that Mama will be healed. She had been bedridden for months and who knows what else could happen?
I went home. And I was surprised and very grateful for the love my host family gave me and my Filipino family in Norway. I did not expect that they would send me off with a generous amount that was able to hold a week's treatment for Mama.
So I went home... And I saw from my very eyes my mother's struggle. Her every pain... and it was never easy not knowing what to do. Ate Geegile and Ayen joined forces together. Eboy and Papa had remained strong for us. They had been through a lot. And I could not imagine how it could have been the past months (the darkest days) that I wasn't able to witness. Mama Josie (my mother's elder sister) was consistently on our side, never left us, supported us all the way. And together with a lot of people who cared for us, we managed to get life by, day by day.
God has always been good to us. Miracles happen everyday. Things got better. From being bedridded, Mama was able to stand a little and sit on a wheelchair. She used to be depressed but slowly had a positive aura. Gone was the denial stage. Everything was getting better. Our lives weren't normal but at least, it is getting better. And that is by the way a great great change which we are grateful for each day.
And just today... TODAY...the very reason I looked back that painful memory, was the feeling of unmeasurable happiness of what we feel together. It is true that miracles do happen. We had it today. And we'll have it on the days to come.
Mama's diagnosis from her recent bone marrow aspiration is : NO EVIDENCE OF MYELOMA SEEN.
I cried. No, I sobbed. My heart seemed to burst with so much happiness that I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs declaring how good God is.
Right now, my mother's on remission... and how were we able to be on this spot, feeling so grateful to God for the gift of life?
We did not give up... we fought for life. We begged for mercy. And God heared us. He gave us people that would help us. He stretched forth His hand to heal Mama.
I used to cry at night wishing that life won't be so cruel...that it would once again be kind to us... that we would smile and laugh like the way we used to be and not live in fear that something wrong might happen.
I felt that is happening now. And I thank God for being our God...for being forever good and merciful.
Today, I knew God has loved us deeply. And I have truly understood the meaning of this passage: “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. Endures all things.” 1Corinthians 13:7
While writing this, I'm listening to a song which made my tears well up. And it goes like this, "Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save. HE IS MIGHTY TO SAVE."
Very true indeed. JESUS SAVES.
I know that there are still a lot to come... But today... We thank God for the greatest gift He gave us... the gift of Mama's life... the hope of a better future... the promise of a better life... and yeah, who knows that our life might go back to normal?
I thank God of all the people He gave us...family, friends, doctors, nurses, priests, all... We are so blessed. May God continue to bless us all.
I don't wanna write about it but I have to. Because I feel the need to. So let me step back to that very day the heavens seemed to have shut its doors for us...
It was Good Friday. I managed to have my final fasting for the Lenten season and accompanied the Lord's passion for the whole night (we sang the passion of Christ, reflecting from the very beginning of His life until His death). It was 9am when I went to my host family's house with my back aching. It was really painful. And it might be because we've been sitting up all night. And when I reached my room, I read messages from home. And I was shocked to read that Mama is not well. It seemed that she has broke some bones on her back and she can do no more than sit in one position and cry in pain.
I felt broken. For a while I wasn't able to speak. I just cried until I could not cry anymore. I felt I've got to do something but just can't figure out what to do. And it struck me that I really can't do anything about it. I prayed... I prayed the sorrowful mysteries with so much sorrow that I didn't notice how long I was kneeling that my feet went numb after I felt I have prayed enough. I could not bear to imagine how they were back home. I could feel the tension, the worry in their voices every time I call. And Mama won't even talk to me. I know that everything is not okay and I can't do anything about it.
It was a long period of sadness... of never ending worries... of fears too great for our hearts to contain. It had been tough for them back home. Because suddenly, Mama isn't able to do the things she used to do. They have to improvise things to make it easier. So that the pain she feels might be lessened. Yes, every second since she got sick, she had been crying for pain. I can't even bear to imagine it. how much more if I am at home watching her crying in pain? They didn't sleep at home at all. And when they had to go to the hospital which is 72 km away from home, it took almost five hours to get there. Because Mama shouts in pain every time there is a bump in the road. And the road to the city is not so good. It was an agonizing trip to the hospital. And they have prayed all kind of prayers just to get through that day.
I could not recall how long they had stayed in the hospital waiting for the result. The doctor said it's osteoporosis. The reason for Mama's slipped disk which caused her so much pain. They had to investigate further for the cause of the bone disease and they had to travel to Cebu to have that. At first attempt, they weren't able to ride the fast craft because Mama was in so much pain despite the pain killers they gave her. They had to wait until the pain is tolerable enough for Mama to travel. Until they successfully reached Perpetual Succour Hospital. They took bone marrow sample from her at which Mama was hesitant at first but was convinced after we all encouraged her. And it was then that they told us Mama's diagnosis-- Multiple Myeloma. Well, that's not what they told me actually. They told me it's cancer. That's a word by the way I could easily understand and hoped to have misheard. I was shocked and stunned and for a while I could not breathe. And as the most painful and fearful truth finally got me, I cried for what seemed to be forever. I prayed so hard and felt like I never prayed enough. I think I've gone crazy for a while... and the most common question in the world that arrives to confused and hurt people popped up in my head, WHY? Why Mama? Why cancer? Why us?
I have read books about people having cancer. Yes, I read about My Sister's Keeper and it was a poignant story that made me cry a lot of times. I felt their pain... I thought reading those stories will at least give you an overview of what it could feel. But the pain of knowing the one person you have loved all your life have cancer is almost unbearable. I could not imagine how I get through those days. I don't remember exactly when I stopped crying. And it's not just cry. It' sobbing. It's wailing with never ending begging that it might just go away. But it didn't go away. For a long time we have lived with that fact. And a day seemed a year. It was difficult. It was intoxicating. It felt like the skies had always been dark.
At some point we felt hopeless... and my greatest fear? Is to be stuck somewhere so far while my mother could anytime you know, die. (feared that word so much) I know that all people die. Eventually I will and I am not afraid of death... what I am afraid of is living life not the way it used to be because someone who has meant the world to you ceased existing. That would be tormenting... and I don't know if I'd be able to cope up with that.
We had been emotionally,physically, spiritually and financially drained. But every time it seemed impossible for us to find money for medication, someone extends help. I was even torn between working somewhere else first rather than going home. The pressure was great. My mother wants me to be home. And I have been longing to see her since I knew she was sick. I had this belief that if only I could touch her she will be healed. Because I have asked God that if He wills, I can have my mother's pain. I am young and I can handle it much better than her. I've asked a lot of opinion. And it tore my heart that the best thing to do in order to continue the treatment is for me to work somewhere else. I was confused and was really troubled. I talked to my family and we always come up with “God will provide.” talks. But we were actually worried. But then, I went home... because I may earn money for treatment but that doesn't guarantee that Mama will be healed. She had been bedridden for months and who knows what else could happen?
I went home. And I was surprised and very grateful for the love my host family gave me and my Filipino family in Norway. I did not expect that they would send me off with a generous amount that was able to hold a week's treatment for Mama.
So I went home... And I saw from my very eyes my mother's struggle. Her every pain... and it was never easy not knowing what to do. Ate Geegile and Ayen joined forces together. Eboy and Papa had remained strong for us. They had been through a lot. And I could not imagine how it could have been the past months (the darkest days) that I wasn't able to witness. Mama Josie (my mother's elder sister) was consistently on our side, never left us, supported us all the way. And together with a lot of people who cared for us, we managed to get life by, day by day.
God has always been good to us. Miracles happen everyday. Things got better. From being bedridded, Mama was able to stand a little and sit on a wheelchair. She used to be depressed but slowly had a positive aura. Gone was the denial stage. Everything was getting better. Our lives weren't normal but at least, it is getting better. And that is by the way a great great change which we are grateful for each day.
And just today... TODAY...the very reason I looked back that painful memory, was the feeling of unmeasurable happiness of what we feel together. It is true that miracles do happen. We had it today. And we'll have it on the days to come.
Mama's diagnosis from her recent bone marrow aspiration is : NO EVIDENCE OF MYELOMA SEEN.
I cried. No, I sobbed. My heart seemed to burst with so much happiness that I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs declaring how good God is.
Right now, my mother's on remission... and how were we able to be on this spot, feeling so grateful to God for the gift of life?
We did not give up... we fought for life. We begged for mercy. And God heared us. He gave us people that would help us. He stretched forth His hand to heal Mama.
I used to cry at night wishing that life won't be so cruel...that it would once again be kind to us... that we would smile and laugh like the way we used to be and not live in fear that something wrong might happen.
I felt that is happening now. And I thank God for being our God...for being forever good and merciful.
Today, I knew God has loved us deeply. And I have truly understood the meaning of this passage: “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. Endures all things.” 1Corinthians 13:7
While writing this, I'm listening to a song which made my tears well up. And it goes like this, "Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save. HE IS MIGHTY TO SAVE."
Very true indeed. JESUS SAVES.
I know that there are still a lot to come... But today... We thank God for the greatest gift He gave us... the gift of Mama's life... the hope of a better future... the promise of a better life... and yeah, who knows that our life might go back to normal?
I thank God of all the people He gave us...family, friends, doctors, nurses, priests, all... We are so blessed. May God continue to bless us all.
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