over a box of milk

I cried over a box of milk. It sounds pathetic. But it is true, I cried over a box of milk. It wasn't just a cry actually, it was a painful continual sob coming out from the depth of my anguished heart.

What's with the milk? Will I die without drinking milk? No, it's not it. The milk wasn't even for me...

I know that all of us in this world suffer from problems. I know that each one of us has our own pain and we are dealing with it everyday. Life is like a battlefield where we are warriors and we must protect ourselves from the enemies of our souls which attack us during our weakest moments.

I am weak. And no one can imagine how I wish that I am stronger. And much more, no one can imagine how I try to be strong. It's a reality I must face. Sometimes I feel sorry that my mere existence causes people who love me suffer. That they need to be strong for me. That they have to exert more effort for me. That they get hurt. That they cry. That they have to do certain sacrifices.

Truth is, there will always be stronger and weaker persons than we are. Because we are not perfect. We were made for each other. If we were all perfect, we would not need each other. And that would seem to be unimaginable. We'd all lose our purpose. We need not live.

Still, I wish I was the stronger one. I wish I was the one who makes the sacrifice. Simply because I can manage my own pain. I can deal with it. But seeing people who love me do sacrifices for me is almost unbearable. It's not easy to see them suffer, to see them in pain with no complain, to see them exceed their own strength just so they can help me. I see how they manage to go on with the difficulty, and yet they still do it for me. I've seen it before in Mama, Papa, Mama Josie, Ate Geegile, Eboy and Ayen. And now, my bestfriend Glogie. And each time I remember how great the kindness she shows me at this point of my life, I feel the anguish in my heart because I know I do not deserve it.

These times are hard, really really really hard and I have no one else I could talk to that would ease the heaviness of my heart. She is always there, ready to give cheerful word, ready with a smile, ready with a prayer strengthening me from within. She did something that only a family would do. And out of my heart comes a deep gratitude that hurts. I cannot explain. It's just that, when you are helpless and hopeless and you are lost and all, you can't imagine the happiness you feel when someone extends a helping hand, comforting you, easing your pain. It's like finally finding the light at the end of the tunnel which is really light and not just the passing train.

Yeah, I feel sorry she has to suffer with me. But I feel more grateful everyday. Because she herself is God's answer to my never ending pleas. Everytime I think of her, I thank God. And everytime I thank God, I think of her and thank Him even more for the goodness that He has shown upon me, no matter how unworthy I am. With her, I am deeply convinced that a heartfelt prayer pierces through the clouds and reaches heaven. I feel God's love right then and there. And I am so grateful that amidst this great affliction, I have someone who perfectly understands me and is ready to withstand the pain with me at all costs. I never felt so blessed in my life. And I never felt the glory of being alive until now. For I have witnessed God's unfathomable kindness through my bestfriend whose heart is so pure and whose love's so deep. Though I wish it's not all like this. I wish I am not at all times weeping. Because I know that she has her burdens too. But she doesn't mind them because she's always thinking of me. I wish I could be able to lift her up when she's sad too. I wish I can be of help no matter how small or how great her problems may be.

I know I shouldn't be sorry lest the one's depending on my strength be sorry too. I think it's one of the painful facts we should accept in this life. We have to accept that we can't do it alone. And though it pains us that others should carry our burdens, we only have to because we are carrying others' burdens too. And we do it out of love. A sacrifice that is done wholeheartedly isn't sacrifice anymore. It is a work of love. And it becomes as normal as breathing.

I know I need to be stronger. Sometimes when the problems get bigger I forgot that I have a mighty God. I know, I need to be more faithful. I know that there are lot of trials ahead. But God always sends His help. I could not count the times I received kindness from people I met everyday. It is definitely amazing. And I will always remember this moment and be grateful forever.

So, I am singing "Saviour, He can move that mountain, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."
So,I will try to "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:12 that I may live through this life until the coming of our Lord.

And I'll continue to pray that no one will ever cry over a box of milk anymore. (I actually cried because I wasn't able to buy one. It costs less that 20 kroner. And I got 20 kroner, only it's Danish and I am in Norway so, yeah... pathetic... haha! But I am grateful still. Because amidst the nothingness, God gives me the fullness of His love.)

 May God's grace be upon us all.

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