musings of a wondering heart

It's 1:46 in the morning. I just called home because I am now able to. :) Please notice the happiness while reading this. Because my heart is so full of happiness I could not seem to contain. And with these miracles and these graces I am receiving, I am wondering how can a 'thank you' be ever enough.

And I thought... this is so different from what I was feeling just weeks ago. I wasn't feeling that well since I got home. It isn't because my vacation wasn't good, it was perfect, it was very heart-warming and I was really happy and I was planning to write about it I just didn't have much time because I know it's gonna be long, like loooooooooooooong, or maybe even longer. :) Anyways, when I got home, I saw how it was. I saw how everyone struggles to survive. I saw my grandmother in bed. She's sick, she couldn't move half of her body. Have I told you that I love her? So much... so it was hard... so hard for me to see her that way. It was very different from my grandmother 2 years ago, before I went to Denmark. She was healthy then. She could hug me tight. She gave me 500pesos (that's big for me considering I don't have any money), and I know it was all that she had. She loves me... She loves us all. She's got so much love to give. Everyday she wakes up at four in the morning and pray for us. She has nine children, whom all have family of their own. And she lives alone in their house. And I was wondering how she ever survived the loneliness, especially when we went there during special occasions and the whole house was chaos for a day or two and then she was back to being alone. I haven't wondered about it until now. I never thought of anyone but myself during my younger years but now, I just realized, Lola's life wasn't easy. It's a life of sacrifice. I wonder how many times she was sick and has to keep it to herself so her children won't worry. I wonder how she felt by then when she has to celebrate her birthday alone because we couldn't come because we're all busy. I wonder how she felt during those moments she sat on the porch wondering how time had gone so fast and took her little children from her hold. That must have been unbearable. I don't know if I can bear the loneliness myself. But probably there were people that God sent her way to make her happy. God bless those people. For making Lola laugh, smile, and all when we weren't able to do so. I guess, no, I know that what kept Lola going is her constant prayers. It has become her way of life. God has been her greatest consolation that she was able to survive the pains that life brought to her. What I always remember about her was when she said at the day before my departure, "Hinumdumi day, akong pirmi gisulti. Magbantay, magbantay, magbantay. Maghinay, maghinay,maghinay. Magtarong, magtarong, magtarong. Sa kada alas 3 sa hapon, nag-ampo ko sa Divine Mercy para nimo day." That was the sweetest word I ever heard, something I could keep forever and remember everyday. "Remember (day is an endearment for a young girl), what I've always told you, Be careful, be careful, be careful. Take it slow. Take it slow. Take it slow. Be good, be good, be good. Every 3 o'clock in the afternoon, I pray to the Divine Mercy for you." I'm not sure with the translation but it's more or less the same. My prayer for her doesn't change, I want her to be well. I trust in the mighty hand of God. I know that He can heal all sickness. However, a part of me knows we are going there at some point of time. And if it is time for Lola to go, it is time to go. And she will be happy in eternity because she will finally be with God and all the angels and all the saints and our beloved Mother Mary. If I focus on that thought, I am happy. So, I pray for God's will be done. My prayers still doesn't change, I want her to be okay. To be able to walk again. To go to church. I know that's what she really missed doing. 

Then my father is not that well. He's diabetic. It's acquired. That's rare. It was okay for the first few weeks because he only have to drink medicine. When I got home, we discovered in a free clinic that his blood sugar is so high that we have to go to his doctor. And there, the doctor gave him insulin. It wasn't easy. My mother cried. Because he's gonna have to use it everyday. One good thing about Papa is that he never shows us he's afraid or sad. He always manage to have this grumpy attitude even when times he needed help. But at that moment he said, "Mapuno nako ug buslot ani." "I'll be full of holes." with a fake laugh. I saw that sad look in his eyes that gripped my heart. I quickly said, "Gary Valenciano had taht since he was seven!" (which was wrong because he was fourteen when he had it. Gary V is one of the famous artists in the country known as Mr. Pure Energy. he's a very good singer, dancer, a total performer that you wouldn't know he lacks insulin. He's always saying that the moving force behind him is Jesuschrist.) And back to Papa, he has to inject the insulin himself. Sometimes my older sister who is a nurse does it, or my brother or our youngest sister. I just watch. But everytime the needle goes into his skin, I feel the pain. I cry. Yeah, I'm weak. So weak. That is why I pray that Papa will be well because I can't feel well when I know he isn't. It started from 10 units and after 3 days we had to check his sugar. Until I got back to Norway, they keep raising 2 units more because it still hasn't reached normal. 

And just recently, my mother had to check her cough because she had it for 3 weeks. But the doctor found something else. She has no respiratory problems but cardio. Yeah, heart. So they consulted another physician. She has what the doctor called Ischemia, lack of oxygen in the heart and tachycardia, faster than the normal heartbeat. And that brought me unimaginable pain. It's too heavy to carry. It's too much. I was crying so hard that I couldn't help it but sit at the side of the road. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't prepared. I was wondering how Mama felt at that moment. I wished so badly I can be there to hold her hands, to hug her, to assure her there's nothing to worry. The pain of wanting to do something so badly but was impossible was killing me. And I asked, doesn't God hear my prayers? And I looked at the sky and implored, "Lord if You hear me, please, I could not take this anymore. Please have mercy!"

I felt dark clouds hovering above me. I felt cold. I felt I could never make it. But if I will not be strong for myself, how can I ever be strong for the people I love? So, I had to accept the trial and look forward. Nobody said it's gonna be easy life... I know that. But at that point of time I wished life wasn't that tough. I turned to God and cried to Him. I prayed so hard until my knees get bruised of kneeling. There was no more I can do than pray. I thought I'd let go of His hand... but He held me close. All the words I've heard that day were so inspiring. And what struck me were the words DON'T GIVE UP. TRUST. DON'T ASK WHY. PRAY. So, I let go. I allowed myself to be humbled by these circumstances. And I always put in mind that if I can't go on, I know God can make me. My life shouldn't stop because problems arrive. I have to overcome all of it that is coming, and learn to trust Him more. And thinking back at that moment now, I was wondering what sustained me at the point of weakness. And I realized that even when I thought I don't have anything, God's grace was upon me and was ever flowing. And that was enough to make me strong. God showed me the reason why I am fighting and why I should fight to survive-- my family. I need to be strong to be their strength.

And today... my soul sings. :) I am a witness of God's loving care, His mighty Hands that heals, He just healed my father. At 20 units, his blood sugar was normal. He only just have to maintain his insulin. But it's the greatest news I've ever received. The Lord has given me a lot. And I know I won't stop typing if I should put them one by one. No, a 'thank you' can't ever be enough. I just want to praise His name forever. At every breath. For His love endures forever. And He answers prayers.

I wonder what God does at this very moment. I wonder what makes Him smile. Because I'll do anything to make Him smile. That's the least thing I could do.