in comma (,)
Time has gone so fast and still, I feel like floating... like I'm in a middle of a maze, a huge labyrinth I don't know how to get through... like every passage I see is a dead end... and I keep going in circles and only God knows when I'll be able to get out and free myself.
and as I become more aware of every second that passes by, I knew that I'm lost... lost in the essence of time... lost in a world so beautiful yet I can never call mine...
and so the question pops out in my head again-- how far would you go to keep the hope of love alive?
It's from The Choice, a novel by Nicholas Sparks. And it opened up a lot of emotions I have buried deep down inside me. Somehow, I thought, I'm like a person in coma. I can breath but I'm barely alive. I can feel but I can't touch. I can hear but I can't speak out. Which made me feel more like a spirit-- wandering free and yet... imprisoned. And the only person that can hear my own thoughts is me.
How far would I go?
How far can I go...?
Two years ago... when I was younger and less human than I thought I am now, I had a dream. It was simple yet it was blissful. I was anxious but I gathered strength from the ones I love--my family. They are my comfort... my security. And much more than that, they are my life. And all I want is to make them happy.
So, two years ago, I made a choice. That choice wasn't easy. I had to step into the unknown. I know it sounds creepy but that was what I felt. I assured myself that everything will be alright but nothing was able to pacify the growing fear inside me. Everybody thought it was as easy as go-abroad-work-help-your-family thing. Well, most of the people thought it was easy as that. But it wasn't... well, for me. I kept on thinking, was I just born weak that I fear so much?
But then, it wasn't just fear... it was something more that I myself wasn't sure I would be able to face. As much as I thought about the pros of my choice, about how easy it would be for all of us, about the benefits we all would get, about all the good things that sure would follow, it wasn't able to keep myself from thinking one crucial thought--- the pain of missing the ones I love... that raw pain that is cutting through my own flesh reaching my own heart and making it bleed to death.
But... I did it anyway.
I faced my fears.
I embraced that pain.
And here I am, still surviving. And I keep on holding on to something... love. Yes. The only consolation I have for myself is that I'm doing this for the greatest sake anyone would risk everything for. Love... That's why up to now, I am still okay.
Two years was unbelievably short. I can pause for a while and I can just remember everything I went through for that two years I was fulfilling my dream. It wasn't that difficult to remember because even my thoughts were like series of deja vus I knew i will experience for like forever. But then, amidst these deja vus are people I am and I will always be grateful for knowing.
I used to remember those days as plain and fine yet painful... but there were moments that I was happy too. And to sum it up, I was glad about the choice I've made. And I am truly grateful for every person I know and I lived with. And most of all, the lessons I learned in life that I haven't read in books but experienced it myself... One lesson I am sure I can never forget is that not all white people are Americans. ahehehe.. Yeah, call me stupid. The hell I care. hahaha I can imagine how Edelyn looked at me when I revealed this to her. She wasn't sure whether she would smile or frown. I wasn't sure but it looked like she did half of both and she was like, "Dai oi...". Which made me feel ewww about myself for awhile. But it's for real, when i see white people, I used to think they were Americans. How in the world will I know if they were English or Danish or German or Norwegian etcetera, etcetera? ahahaha I sound more stupid, ain't i? At least I learned something. :)
and so back to the question... how far would I go?
Truth be told... I would go as far as I can... how far would that be? Honestly, I don't know.
I love my family. They come first. And the rest of the world will follow. :)
But on the other side... If and only if someone would like to see the hidden I'm okays-and-I'm more than fines, that someone will be able to see the greatest wish I've been waiting for so long to come true.
And it is to come home. Just home...
12-hour daylight and 12-hour night.
I keep on wishing that someday, I will be able to walk in our stony path, and be able to open our door which is designed with scratches from Socx's paws, and be able to sit at our brightly colored living room, and eat at our faded wooden dining table and be able to rest at our room, hugging my own pillow,and of course, being with the family that I so long loved and will always love.
And though I felt like in coma, I would like to think that my life now isn't as bad as I thought it is. It might be not that good, but I know this is the kind of life I knew I will always be grateful I lived. And what I am experiencing now is just another comma in my life's sentence. I still have a long way before I reach that period. hehe and when that time comes, I am hoping that before it, it will be a happily ever after. :)
P.S. there shouldn't be any P.S. here but... this might be way off topic. :) and also, this might be the longest P.S. in the history. hehehe
Special thanks to my sister... my constant source of strength.
Thanks for everything. And thank you so much for today. Hearing your voice made me feel much much more okay. And even though we are miles apart, I can still feel how much you care for me, for us. You are still the best. And you will always be. I love you very much and I miss you, more than words can say.
And for my dear brother, thank you. I've said this a hundred times already but I'm saying it once more with much greater intensity--thank you for taking care of our family. Thanks for being strong and for fulfilling what we once dreamt when dreams were impossible to come true. Thanks for replacing our positions for the mean time. And thank you so much for the love you have shown. I love you. ;)
For my dearest little sister, I love you. And I felt sorry I wasn't and I couldn't be there during those times you need me the most. If I knew a way to be there, I would... But I just couldn't. And I felt horrible... Despite the distance, I hope you can still feel the love I've always had for you. Just be strong. And always remember, I've sent my angel to be with you... ;)
And for Mama and Papa, you are always in my thoughts. The moment I wake up and the last thought I have in mind before going to sleep is you. I can deeply sense the loneliness you feel right now... I couldn't imagine our house being suddenly silent... But everything changes... And I knew, this won't be for long. We will soon come home. I used to think that the greatest pain I will ever feel will be missing you... but I was wrong. No pain can ever compare when I thought about you, missing us... I can deal with my own pain, I can struggle with my own sadness... but how can I ever soothe your pains? I love you both... more than anything else... And I miss you so so much. Thank you so much for everything you've done for us.
And for all the people out there... you know who you are. Thanks for coming into my life and inflicting me with emotions I didn't know I am capable of feeling. Thanks for the understanding... much more, thank you for the time we have been together. You might not know it, but I love you all. I really do.
and as I become more aware of every second that passes by, I knew that I'm lost... lost in the essence of time... lost in a world so beautiful yet I can never call mine...
and so the question pops out in my head again-- how far would you go to keep the hope of love alive?
It's from The Choice, a novel by Nicholas Sparks. And it opened up a lot of emotions I have buried deep down inside me. Somehow, I thought, I'm like a person in coma. I can breath but I'm barely alive. I can feel but I can't touch. I can hear but I can't speak out. Which made me feel more like a spirit-- wandering free and yet... imprisoned. And the only person that can hear my own thoughts is me.
How far would I go?
How far can I go...?
Two years ago... when I was younger and less human than I thought I am now, I had a dream. It was simple yet it was blissful. I was anxious but I gathered strength from the ones I love--my family. They are my comfort... my security. And much more than that, they are my life. And all I want is to make them happy.
So, two years ago, I made a choice. That choice wasn't easy. I had to step into the unknown. I know it sounds creepy but that was what I felt. I assured myself that everything will be alright but nothing was able to pacify the growing fear inside me. Everybody thought it was as easy as go-abroad-work-help-your-family thing. Well, most of the people thought it was easy as that. But it wasn't... well, for me. I kept on thinking, was I just born weak that I fear so much?
But then, it wasn't just fear... it was something more that I myself wasn't sure I would be able to face. As much as I thought about the pros of my choice, about how easy it would be for all of us, about the benefits we all would get, about all the good things that sure would follow, it wasn't able to keep myself from thinking one crucial thought--- the pain of missing the ones I love... that raw pain that is cutting through my own flesh reaching my own heart and making it bleed to death.
But... I did it anyway.
I faced my fears.
I embraced that pain.
And here I am, still surviving. And I keep on holding on to something... love. Yes. The only consolation I have for myself is that I'm doing this for the greatest sake anyone would risk everything for. Love... That's why up to now, I am still okay.
Two years was unbelievably short. I can pause for a while and I can just remember everything I went through for that two years I was fulfilling my dream. It wasn't that difficult to remember because even my thoughts were like series of deja vus I knew i will experience for like forever. But then, amidst these deja vus are people I am and I will always be grateful for knowing.
I used to remember those days as plain and fine yet painful... but there were moments that I was happy too. And to sum it up, I was glad about the choice I've made. And I am truly grateful for every person I know and I lived with. And most of all, the lessons I learned in life that I haven't read in books but experienced it myself... One lesson I am sure I can never forget is that not all white people are Americans. ahehehe.. Yeah, call me stupid. The hell I care. hahaha I can imagine how Edelyn looked at me when I revealed this to her. She wasn't sure whether she would smile or frown. I wasn't sure but it looked like she did half of both and she was like, "Dai oi...". Which made me feel ewww about myself for awhile. But it's for real, when i see white people, I used to think they were Americans. How in the world will I know if they were English or Danish or German or Norwegian etcetera, etcetera? ahahaha I sound more stupid, ain't i? At least I learned something. :)
and so back to the question... how far would I go?
Truth be told... I would go as far as I can... how far would that be? Honestly, I don't know.
I love my family. They come first. And the rest of the world will follow. :)
But on the other side... If and only if someone would like to see the hidden I'm okays-and-I'm more than fines, that someone will be able to see the greatest wish I've been waiting for so long to come true.
And it is to come home. Just home...
12-hour daylight and 12-hour night.
I keep on wishing that someday, I will be able to walk in our stony path, and be able to open our door which is designed with scratches from Socx's paws, and be able to sit at our brightly colored living room, and eat at our faded wooden dining table and be able to rest at our room, hugging my own pillow,and of course, being with the family that I so long loved and will always love.
And though I felt like in coma, I would like to think that my life now isn't as bad as I thought it is. It might be not that good, but I know this is the kind of life I knew I will always be grateful I lived. And what I am experiencing now is just another comma in my life's sentence. I still have a long way before I reach that period. hehe and when that time comes, I am hoping that before it, it will be a happily ever after. :)
P.S. there shouldn't be any P.S. here but... this might be way off topic. :) and also, this might be the longest P.S. in the history. hehehe
Special thanks to my sister... my constant source of strength.
Thanks for everything. And thank you so much for today. Hearing your voice made me feel much much more okay. And even though we are miles apart, I can still feel how much you care for me, for us. You are still the best. And you will always be. I love you very much and I miss you, more than words can say.
And for my dear brother, thank you. I've said this a hundred times already but I'm saying it once more with much greater intensity--thank you for taking care of our family. Thanks for being strong and for fulfilling what we once dreamt when dreams were impossible to come true. Thanks for replacing our positions for the mean time. And thank you so much for the love you have shown. I love you. ;)
For my dearest little sister, I love you. And I felt sorry I wasn't and I couldn't be there during those times you need me the most. If I knew a way to be there, I would... But I just couldn't. And I felt horrible... Despite the distance, I hope you can still feel the love I've always had for you. Just be strong. And always remember, I've sent my angel to be with you... ;)
And for Mama and Papa, you are always in my thoughts. The moment I wake up and the last thought I have in mind before going to sleep is you. I can deeply sense the loneliness you feel right now... I couldn't imagine our house being suddenly silent... But everything changes... And I knew, this won't be for long. We will soon come home. I used to think that the greatest pain I will ever feel will be missing you... but I was wrong. No pain can ever compare when I thought about you, missing us... I can deal with my own pain, I can struggle with my own sadness... but how can I ever soothe your pains? I love you both... more than anything else... And I miss you so so much. Thank you so much for everything you've done for us.
And for all the people out there... you know who you are. Thanks for coming into my life and inflicting me with emotions I didn't know I am capable of feeling. Thanks for the understanding... much more, thank you for the time we have been together. You might not know it, but I love you all. I really do.
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