my angel
Diary entry 010108:
i wish i could see my angel.
i wish he's with me.
"Lord, can't i see him? i need someone i could hold on to when i am afraid... when i am confused... when i'm sad. Can't i have him, Lord? until my contract expires?..."
then i will be happy...
then i will be strong...
I scanned through my diary (yes, i still keep a diary haha) and found this. It was written last year. The first day of the year. Would you believe that He granted my wish?
My guardian angel is St. Michael - Prince of Heavenly Hosts. I know that he is watching over me. I've seen him once ( I believe I did so. hehe) and I knew he is always watching over me.
But the angel that God sent to me is not him. God sent me a little angel who has been with me until the very last day of my extended contract. And yes, in human form. And she's a girl.
Actually it took me a long time before I realized that she was an answer to the prayer I uttered one new year's eve... when my heart was at its emptiest. I never knew it was her until...
Diary entry 290708:
i was given a second chance to live. i don't know if it has finally sank into my mind that indeed, i am living a life that could have ended two days ago.
i wasn't prepared for that. if i was, i won't be like this.
2 days ago...
There were five of us at Anjie's place- Ate Zaza, Lurry, Glogie, Anjie and me. It was a nice summer and we decided to enjoy the waters. (their house is actually facing the Denmark sea, facing Sweden). Ate Zaza went first. Anjie next. Glogie dived and swam like a fish to get my hairclip (which fell to the deep waters) and came up shivering. Lurry preferred not to swim.
i was the last one to get wet. i went down the stairs and tried the coldness of the water with my feet. It was fine. A bit icy but fine. i then took a deep breath and dived. For a moment, i was swimming. It was when i needed some air that i reached the ground and raised my head. But then i realized that i couldn't reach the ground. Water came through my mouth as i struggled to breathe. Panic engulfed my whole body. I couldn't swim! I tried to move my feet and arms to stop me from sinking but i knew, i was sinking. It felt like someone was pushing my head to drown. i knew that i was close to death than i could ever imagine. i forgot where i was, who i was with. The desire to resurface is eating me up. I could not breathe! and water kept coming inside my mouth.
i didn't know how it happened but i was able to raise my head and shout out "HELP!" (the exact word was "TABANG!") But i went sinking again. It was then that i knew it was over. Right there, i accepted my fate. But right then and there someone made me resurface and i saw the stairs and reached for it. And breathed back my dear life.
Seconds later, i was dripping. i was shivering. and for a moment i wasn't able to think. Glogie was beside me. Anjie above. Lurry up with the camera. And Ate Zaza swimming. i don't know how much water i had but it felt a lot. I was lucky the Denmark sea isn't that salty.
The worried look on my bestfriend's face made me quiet for a while. We did not speak of it, but we shared the same thought, we shared the same fear..
They were not totally aware of what i've been through down there except for Glogie who knew by heart that i don't know how to swim. She sensed that something was wrong and dived in the water and pulled my hair. It was then i was able to shout for help. If she was a second late, i could've died. Right there. Struggling for breath.
It's kind of quizzical but why hadn't i thought of God? Why wasn't i able to call Him for help? But then He still sent out my bestfriend to save me. I owe my life to Glogie... but she doesn't want to talk about it. I wanted to cry when i saw the look in her face. The look of horror. I was... touched. Deeply touched by how much she cares for me. By how much she fears of losing me.
i thank her so much that i promised myself not to make her feel bad anymore.
There's a lot to realize.
The things that mattered most should be my priority... while i still have time.
i could've died there... and what am i before God? What would God see?
a cruel mind, a tarnished heart, a battered soul and what? a diminishing faith? Would that at all be wonderful?
But then i still don't know where to start. All i know is that i need to make most out of my life. I need to use my time wisely. To live... not just to survive.
I am just grateful... that He sent her to save me.
It was my bestfriend all along. She came to make the gray and cold living I was having come to life. It was her who made things easy for me. It was her all along. She was my angel all along.
Of all the angels, she might've been the most emotional. She cries easily.
When we had our first big quarrel 'ever', it was her who cried a lot. I cried too but she cried more. And I was so sorry about that... I even hated myself for that. But she still loves me. She still does no matter how much I've hurt her. And I love her so much for that.
When I was crying about missing home, she cries with me. She knew I am not okay when I go biking to the harbor. She always finds her way to see me no matter how busy she is. Just to be there. I wonder if I had done the same thing for her.
I knew she cried that day I almost died. I could feel her that time. And it was like I can hear her heartbeat too. (paranoia?haha)
And when I left Denmark, she cried. It was her who helped me pack my suitcases. Actually, she was the one who suffered the headache of putting the whole room inside two bags. ;) (which reminds me that I ruined her bag). It was her that made me ready. I wasn't ready until I wrote a letter for my host family. I planned not to do it but she encouraged me to do it. And so I did. I could hear my cousin Jam say "Emo kaayo ka ug letter, te." But I wasn't feeling anything. Until Inreached the second paragraph... I began to sob. It was supposed to be silent flowing of tears but I suddenly wanted to let go all the sadness I've been refusing to feel. I burried my head on the nearest towel and cried.
"Muse.." it was her and she was crying. "Muse uy.." And she hugged me and we cried together.
And then I laughed, "Mura kog boang, Glo," and i hugged her and cried. I just knew I'm gonna miss everything... and everyone. I'm gonna miss my family in Denmark. I'm gonna miss my routines. Above all, I'm gonna miss her... and I don't know how i will be able to face it.
She has been my strength. And my source of happiness.
I really wish I can see the world through Glogie's eyes. She's always up to something good. She's always up for fun. (except during PMTs,hehe)
She loves to watch films especially during the weekend (she sleeps at 5am!). The recent frenzy she's into is FRIENDS. I wasn't able to finish it.
She loves cola. (Ah! mura man ug buyog!- ate Zaza) We both do.haha up to sawa!
She loves music. She loves singing. And the most memorable was when we attended on a party (we're not really invited) and she sang "I'll never get over you getting over me" which made all the people in the room (including the Danes) smiled in great awe.
She loves KFC!!! We both do. And it's always 2 mix menu (2 pcs chicken with 2 hotwings, french fries and pepsi GO LARGE! with ketchup and mayo ang gravy). I really miss eating with her. Especially when we go to the harbor. We love pistachio nuts! She loves tortilla chips. And we both love ice cream!!!
She loves Vhong. (You can't hurry love..oohh love can't hurry). And she likes someone who's like Vhong. (hmmmm esep-esep)
She also loves someone right now. That, I would not spill out. haha (She had his picture in her room. awwww)
She loves chicken curry... (without the curry!haha)
She loves Amy Perez. Actually she had started a fan club. And I'm the secretary. I don't know if the fan club has expanded but for sure it has a president and a secretary!!! (I'm quite unsure but I think Gail was also in the club... was she? and Elaine maybe... and Chylene? ... kinsa pa ha..hehe)
She loves Hinagdanan Cave. Actually, I thought that her grandfather discovered it (which I always say to those I meet).
She loves the whole BS Computer Engineering batch 07. She loves all the engineers. (And I love them too).
Actually, there is a lot that she loves. But most of all, she loves her family. She loves everyone of them. She misses them so much that sometimes she wanna go home. She had cried a lot for them. But she's happy for all that she has been doing for them. I love them, too. I love the ones that Glogie loves. They are part of who she really is.
I miss her...
When I arrived in Norway I was feeling a lot of emotions. And when I finally knew that I am living a similar-yet-different-new-kind-of-life, I cried. Sometimes I take out my cellphone to text her only to realize we are not on the same place and we can't go buy groceries together. It has been a routine that is difficult to change.
And every weekend... I miss those times we go biking to Vedbæk. Or ride a bus or train to the city. She always imitates the announcer in the train. (We kindly ask passenger not to leave their baggage and other personal belongings unattended- in Danish) I have a feeling that she memorized it already.
And everytime we see Filipinas she says, "Letter P, muse o". And when we see cans with pant(it's the worth of the cans/bottles you can sell back in the grocery store) she says, "Muse! Letter P!". And when we come to Inday's place, "Asa si letter S, day?" (pertaining to her crush). And when she comes to the house, "Naa sila letter M muse?" So mostly our conversations were always with letters. Even when we are mad. "Mga letter F man na sila! grrrrrr" (sorry, Lord)
I kinda miss that. I still talk like that, but nobody understands.
We had a lot of moments together but the most memorable ones were during my last days when I had to sleep at her place. My room was repainted then. And Glogie, adopted me for 4 nights. I'm glad that her host family were kind. I was welcomed to their home. It was then that we had most fun. It was then that I read Hans Christian Andersen's fairytales. (It was what she received last christmas. I quite envy her for that.haha ) And when we were in her room, we talked (in whispers), we ate very very quietly and when we looked at each other, we were laughing for no reason and we had to cover our mouths. It was during those times that we find everything funny and we have to suppress our laughters because we might wake up the other living things outside her room. :D It was fun. It was a lot more fun than the weekends we had.
I just pray that she's okay...
It was hard for both of us. Being this far... It was almost unbearable.
There are a lot of things i wish we could've done together just like the way we do in Denmark. Just like we do when we were in college.
I just realized that I really really really love her. And I knew I always will.
And if only... if only there's a chance that we can spend some time together, I would grab it.
I guess this is the part when I kneel and bow my head in prayer... Yeah, I knew it was for a reason that we met. God has planned everything. He always has a reason for everything.
People come and go... She's just one of those that I never wanted to go.
i wish i could see my angel.
i wish he's with me.
"Lord, can't i see him? i need someone i could hold on to when i am afraid... when i am confused... when i'm sad. Can't i have him, Lord? until my contract expires?..."
then i will be happy...
then i will be strong...
I scanned through my diary (yes, i still keep a diary haha) and found this. It was written last year. The first day of the year. Would you believe that He granted my wish?
My guardian angel is St. Michael - Prince of Heavenly Hosts. I know that he is watching over me. I've seen him once ( I believe I did so. hehe) and I knew he is always watching over me.
But the angel that God sent to me is not him. God sent me a little angel who has been with me until the very last day of my extended contract. And yes, in human form. And she's a girl.
Actually it took me a long time before I realized that she was an answer to the prayer I uttered one new year's eve... when my heart was at its emptiest. I never knew it was her until...
Diary entry 290708:
i was given a second chance to live. i don't know if it has finally sank into my mind that indeed, i am living a life that could have ended two days ago.
i wasn't prepared for that. if i was, i won't be like this.
2 days ago...
There were five of us at Anjie's place- Ate Zaza, Lurry, Glogie, Anjie and me. It was a nice summer and we decided to enjoy the waters. (their house is actually facing the Denmark sea, facing Sweden). Ate Zaza went first. Anjie next. Glogie dived and swam like a fish to get my hairclip (which fell to the deep waters) and came up shivering. Lurry preferred not to swim.
i was the last one to get wet. i went down the stairs and tried the coldness of the water with my feet. It was fine. A bit icy but fine. i then took a deep breath and dived. For a moment, i was swimming. It was when i needed some air that i reached the ground and raised my head. But then i realized that i couldn't reach the ground. Water came through my mouth as i struggled to breathe. Panic engulfed my whole body. I couldn't swim! I tried to move my feet and arms to stop me from sinking but i knew, i was sinking. It felt like someone was pushing my head to drown. i knew that i was close to death than i could ever imagine. i forgot where i was, who i was with. The desire to resurface is eating me up. I could not breathe! and water kept coming inside my mouth.
i didn't know how it happened but i was able to raise my head and shout out "HELP!" (the exact word was "TABANG!") But i went sinking again. It was then that i knew it was over. Right there, i accepted my fate. But right then and there someone made me resurface and i saw the stairs and reached for it. And breathed back my dear life.
Seconds later, i was dripping. i was shivering. and for a moment i wasn't able to think. Glogie was beside me. Anjie above. Lurry up with the camera. And Ate Zaza swimming. i don't know how much water i had but it felt a lot. I was lucky the Denmark sea isn't that salty.
The worried look on my bestfriend's face made me quiet for a while. We did not speak of it, but we shared the same thought, we shared the same fear..
They were not totally aware of what i've been through down there except for Glogie who knew by heart that i don't know how to swim. She sensed that something was wrong and dived in the water and pulled my hair. It was then i was able to shout for help. If she was a second late, i could've died. Right there. Struggling for breath.
It's kind of quizzical but why hadn't i thought of God? Why wasn't i able to call Him for help? But then He still sent out my bestfriend to save me. I owe my life to Glogie... but she doesn't want to talk about it. I wanted to cry when i saw the look in her face. The look of horror. I was... touched. Deeply touched by how much she cares for me. By how much she fears of losing me.
i thank her so much that i promised myself not to make her feel bad anymore.
There's a lot to realize.
The things that mattered most should be my priority... while i still have time.
i could've died there... and what am i before God? What would God see?
a cruel mind, a tarnished heart, a battered soul and what? a diminishing faith? Would that at all be wonderful?
But then i still don't know where to start. All i know is that i need to make most out of my life. I need to use my time wisely. To live... not just to survive.
I am just grateful... that He sent her to save me.
It was my bestfriend all along. She came to make the gray and cold living I was having come to life. It was her who made things easy for me. It was her all along. She was my angel all along.
Of all the angels, she might've been the most emotional. She cries easily.
When we had our first big quarrel 'ever', it was her who cried a lot. I cried too but she cried more. And I was so sorry about that... I even hated myself for that. But she still loves me. She still does no matter how much I've hurt her. And I love her so much for that.
When I was crying about missing home, she cries with me. She knew I am not okay when I go biking to the harbor. She always finds her way to see me no matter how busy she is. Just to be there. I wonder if I had done the same thing for her.
I knew she cried that day I almost died. I could feel her that time. And it was like I can hear her heartbeat too. (paranoia?haha)
And when I left Denmark, she cried. It was her who helped me pack my suitcases. Actually, she was the one who suffered the headache of putting the whole room inside two bags. ;) (which reminds me that I ruined her bag). It was her that made me ready. I wasn't ready until I wrote a letter for my host family. I planned not to do it but she encouraged me to do it. And so I did. I could hear my cousin Jam say "Emo kaayo ka ug letter, te." But I wasn't feeling anything. Until Inreached the second paragraph... I began to sob. It was supposed to be silent flowing of tears but I suddenly wanted to let go all the sadness I've been refusing to feel. I burried my head on the nearest towel and cried.
"Muse.." it was her and she was crying. "Muse uy.." And she hugged me and we cried together.
And then I laughed, "Mura kog boang, Glo," and i hugged her and cried. I just knew I'm gonna miss everything... and everyone. I'm gonna miss my family in Denmark. I'm gonna miss my routines. Above all, I'm gonna miss her... and I don't know how i will be able to face it.
She has been my strength. And my source of happiness.
I really wish I can see the world through Glogie's eyes. She's always up to something good. She's always up for fun. (except during PMTs,hehe)
She loves to watch films especially during the weekend (she sleeps at 5am!). The recent frenzy she's into is FRIENDS. I wasn't able to finish it.
She loves cola. (Ah! mura man ug buyog!- ate Zaza) We both do.haha up to sawa!
She loves music. She loves singing. And the most memorable was when we attended on a party (we're not really invited) and she sang "I'll never get over you getting over me" which made all the people in the room (including the Danes) smiled in great awe.
She loves KFC!!! We both do. And it's always 2 mix menu (2 pcs chicken with 2 hotwings, french fries and pepsi GO LARGE! with ketchup and mayo ang gravy). I really miss eating with her. Especially when we go to the harbor. We love pistachio nuts! She loves tortilla chips. And we both love ice cream!!!
She loves Vhong. (You can't hurry love..oohh love can't hurry). And she likes someone who's like Vhong. (hmmmm esep-esep)
She also loves someone right now. That, I would not spill out. haha (She had his picture in her room. awwww)
She loves chicken curry... (without the curry!haha)
She loves Amy Perez. Actually she had started a fan club. And I'm the secretary. I don't know if the fan club has expanded but for sure it has a president and a secretary!!! (I'm quite unsure but I think Gail was also in the club... was she? and Elaine maybe... and Chylene? ... kinsa pa ha..hehe)
She loves Hinagdanan Cave. Actually, I thought that her grandfather discovered it (which I always say to those I meet).
She loves the whole BS Computer Engineering batch 07. She loves all the engineers. (And I love them too).
Actually, there is a lot that she loves. But most of all, she loves her family. She loves everyone of them. She misses them so much that sometimes she wanna go home. She had cried a lot for them. But she's happy for all that she has been doing for them. I love them, too. I love the ones that Glogie loves. They are part of who she really is.
I miss her...
When I arrived in Norway I was feeling a lot of emotions. And when I finally knew that I am living a similar-yet-different-new-kind-of-life, I cried. Sometimes I take out my cellphone to text her only to realize we are not on the same place and we can't go buy groceries together. It has been a routine that is difficult to change.
And every weekend... I miss those times we go biking to Vedbæk. Or ride a bus or train to the city. She always imitates the announcer in the train. (We kindly ask passenger not to leave their baggage and other personal belongings unattended- in Danish) I have a feeling that she memorized it already.
And everytime we see Filipinas she says, "Letter P, muse o". And when we see cans with pant(it's the worth of the cans/bottles you can sell back in the grocery store) she says, "Muse! Letter P!". And when we come to Inday's place, "Asa si letter S, day?" (pertaining to her crush). And when she comes to the house, "Naa sila letter M muse?" So mostly our conversations were always with letters. Even when we are mad. "Mga letter F man na sila! grrrrrr" (sorry, Lord)
I kinda miss that. I still talk like that, but nobody understands.
We had a lot of moments together but the most memorable ones were during my last days when I had to sleep at her place. My room was repainted then. And Glogie, adopted me for 4 nights. I'm glad that her host family were kind. I was welcomed to their home. It was then that we had most fun. It was then that I read Hans Christian Andersen's fairytales. (It was what she received last christmas. I quite envy her for that.haha ) And when we were in her room, we talked (in whispers), we ate very very quietly and when we looked at each other, we were laughing for no reason and we had to cover our mouths. It was during those times that we find everything funny and we have to suppress our laughters because we might wake up the other living things outside her room. :D It was fun. It was a lot more fun than the weekends we had.
I just pray that she's okay...
It was hard for both of us. Being this far... It was almost unbearable.
There are a lot of things i wish we could've done together just like the way we do in Denmark. Just like we do when we were in college.
I just realized that I really really really love her. And I knew I always will.
And if only... if only there's a chance that we can spend some time together, I would grab it.
I guess this is the part when I kneel and bow my head in prayer... Yeah, I knew it was for a reason that we met. God has planned everything. He always has a reason for everything.
People come and go... She's just one of those that I never wanted to go.
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