memories...

i’ve been dreading to write for days… but i just can’t. Mere thoughts hurt me from deep within. Crushing the only strength i rely on.


I don’t know if today is any any better than the past few days (with regards to my emotional status) but I am sure, it’s a little less worse.


What I am feeling is quite the same as i’ve felt 19months before– when I left home. The only difference now is I am missing a lot more people, a lot more places, a lot more routines and a lot lot more things.


It’s funny how things that are happening today become memories of tomorrow. It’s funny how you take things for granted and how you regretted for doing so. And a lot funnier how the things that used to make you so happy give you so much pain.


Well, I don’t think funny is the word but it’s the best I can come up with right at this moment. I guess, I’m just in the point where I stand still in time and ask myself repeatedly the what if’s and if only’s of my life.


yeah… memories…


I could still remember how anxious I was getting off the plane when I arrived in Denmark. I wasn’t able to see how it looked from up above despite the privilege of sitting at the window seat. I slept during landing. That was not so good. i was just glad I woke up in time. So when I got out, there were lots of unfamiliar faces. The ones I only see in the movies. Strange words appeared before my sight and I was so glad for English translations. Otherwise I would never know where the exit was. It was Mette that picked me up. She’s so different from what I thought of. I thought of an aged, chubby lady with curly hair. But she was the exact opposite. She was pregnant at that time but I could hardly notice it. She gave me a warm hug and we went out to her car. I wasn’t able to fasten my seatbelt correctly but it doesn’t matter because this is just a memory. haha


We went shopping. In Netto. And the first thing I noticed, there were no baggers (you know, the people who packs the goods you bought?). It’s not that it’s a big deal, it was just kinda weird for me from what I’ve got used to.


Then we went to the Grandma’s place where the kids were. They went fishing and they were very excited. Christopher caught a big one, he was proud showing me what he caught. Frederik just gave me a very sweet smile (it’s very Frederik). There I met Ebbe(Mie's husband), Mie(Mette’s mom who was the coolest grandma I've known) and Marcus(Mette’s nephew who was a very nice lad)… and Chris and Frederik. It was a big house. The children stayed there for a week vacation. It was always like that during summer.


And then, we went to Bolbro Villavej. The first that I noticed in the place? the shrub in the gateway that has grown big that is a bit uncomfortable to get through. I was a little dizzy. Mette showed me the house. And all I could say was WOW. It’s a big house, I should say. And there’s plenty of rooms. It’s a beautiful one. (I can’t believe how it all changed in a year.) Then Mette asked me what I wanted and I so long to take a bath. And so, I showered. After that, she asked me if I want some coffee. And I said yes. (I went through a very dark and sugarless big glass of coffee… I never thought I’d have more of it in the coming days.. but i did, have more of it.) And she allowed me to rest. In my room… I think that was the best place in the house at that moment (at this moment, i still think it is). Dinner came, and Jens came home. He opened a bottle of wine for me, a welcoming gesture. And we ate together during dinner- Mette, Jens, I and Nicolai who was inside Mette’s womb at that time.(I never thought he’d grow up so fast and so effortlessly cute).


It went fine that day..


My first day…


I was able to call home and talked to Papa and Ate Geegile. Mama. Eboy and Ayen was at the school. So I wasn’t able to hear thier voices.


That day was painful also… I guess the pain of missing someone you really love doesn’t go away. But it was always nice that every single day you can survive. To take the step to move forward. It’s ok to look back but never step back. Just onwards… And you’ll realize that all things happen for a reason. Everything has a purpose.


My life in Denmark was something I can call bittersweet. It is definitely one of the best things that ever happened to me. It was not the kind of life that I dreamed to live… but it was the kind of life I am very grateful I lived.


I’ll always treasure every single person I know, every single place I explored, every single thing I learned… all those things are kept within me… and will be remembered forever.


It was tough leaving the life you have learned to love to live. It was painful. I guess it is much more painful now. There is absolutely no cure when you miss someone very much. And I don’t just miss someone but everyone… Every single life inflicted into mine.


But this is just how it is.

I just need to get through this.


I’m just glad it happened. And... I’m happy I’m feeling this way.